Super Bowl TV timeout? Surf over to my 'Footblog'

I know you think you're doing the right thing, backing the Bears ... pinning all your lost dreams of adolescent athletic glory on this particular bunch of oversized, head-butting grunters ... believing that every petty injustice you've ever suffered will once and for all be vindicated with a champion team.

And there's nothing wrong with that. I hope it works out for you.

(Go Bears.)

I'm just saying, save a little energy for the commercial breaks. Because that's where all the action will be.

Don't make a run for the refrigerator during the timeout. Stay right there, burrowed into the sofa, with your toasty laptop to keep you warm, and visit my Footblog at blogs.suntimes.com/wiser. That's where I will be discussing all things Super Bowl -- without ever actually referencing a play. Because I'm convinced that football will be the least interesting part of the evening.

Do you doubt me? Allow me to drop just two names:

Kevin Federline.

Robert Goulet.

Yes, the unique talents of both these fine gentlemen will be showcased in much-anticipated Super Bowl ads. And if you're replenishing the mild salsa during breaks from the Bears, you just may miss them.

Federline follows in the underachieving footsteps of M.C. Hammer and Fabio, starring in a commercial for Nationwide Insurance's "Life Comes at You Fast" campaign. First we see the celebrity stud dressed in pimp finery, gesturing wildly in an over-the-top rap video . . . only to learn that it was all a daydream, and that FedEx is actually working at a burger joint.

The National Restaurant Association of America is already offended. Apparently it hurts when Kevin Federline, of all people, is making fun of you. It hurts a lot.

But Federline says that he didn't mean to insult anybody. And besides, he has fast-food cred: He used to deliver for Pizza Hut.

That's not a claim that Goulet can make, so nobody is quite sure why he will be featured in an ad for Emerald Nuts, or what he will be doing in it. Online, I found the account of one anonymous witness on the commercial set, who said that the theater legend "smelled like baby powder, very distinctly, but he wore it well."

Seriously. That's all we know.

Goulet seems like a risky choice; Elvis Presley famously shot his 25-inch RCA when the entertainer appeared on it. Even if the majority of Super Bowl fans don't have immediate access to firearms, Goulet can probably expect to be pelted with salty snack foods.

Hmm. Maybe that was Emerald Nuts' evil plan all along.

What else will you find on my blog?

•   •   Gentle mocking of "JP," the thus-far faceless romantic who is planning to propose to his girlfriend via overpriced commercial. (Why on earth would she say yes? Her first thought will inevitably be: "You mean, that's $2 million that you won't be spending on the ring?")

•   •   A reasoned debate over the likelihood that the Lingerie Bowl's Holly Huddleston is using her real name.

•   •   More than a few pedicure enthusiasts, confused as to the meaning of "Footblog."

So do yourself a favor, and don't get too caught up in the game. Gridiron glory is elusive and fleeting; but on my blog, everybody's a winner.