Be glad you’re not them
RICK TELANDER firstname.lastname@example.org July 30, 2011 1:54AM
Former NBA player Jalen Rose walks out of a courtroom in suburban Detroit after being sentenced to 20 days in jail for drunken driving. | John T. Greilick~AP
Updated: November 5, 2011 5:19PM
For lack of a better title, let’s call this column ‘‘People You Wouldn’t Want To Be — At Least Not Now And Maybe Never.’’
What the hell? Just a few hours after you’re sentenced to 20 days in jail for drunken driving near Detroit, you put the hammer down and get arrested for going 21 mph over the speed limit?
You’re an NBA basketball analyst for ESPN, a really insightful and funny one. But keep this up, and you’ll be doing color for noon games at FCI Milan, a k a the “Real’’ Big House.
Georgia Tech football
coach Paul Johnson
P.J. is fightin’ mad that the NCAA just put his program on four years of probation and stripped away its 2009 Atlantic Coast Conference title for usin’ two players who got impermissible benefits, then lyin’ about it and coverin’ up the whole thing. (For those of you who don’t do accents, ignore the dropped G’s.)
‘‘I’m proud of what those guys did on the field,’’ Johnson told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. ‘‘They won it on the field.’’
Moreover, he’s not giving back his ACC championship ring from that year.
‘‘The NCAA can’t take away the memories or what happened on the field,’’ he said. ‘‘Let’s say somebody took something illegal. I’m still not convinced that happened, but let’s say they did. Well, you’re punishing 115 guys who didn’t do anything but work their butts off.’’
Yep. But that’s how the system you love and profit from works, you Ramblin’ Wreck. Tailback Jim Joe gets the cash, you get the lash. What you signed up for, dummy.
Butch Davis, former
North Carolina football coach
Here’s another guy who doesn’t seem to understand how it works in the grand, phony system known as ‘‘amateur’’ big-time, billion-dollar football.
Two days after he said he wasn’t resigning but ‘‘fully and completely’’ accepted responsibility for all kinds of violations, including players receiving more than $27,000 in improper benefits, players being steered toward an NFL agent by former assistant coach John Blake, players getting illegal academic help and 14 players being held out of games last season for violations, Davis was canned by the Tar Heels.
This was amusing because Davis had just said: ‘‘We’re going to get through this, and, because of it, we’re going to come out of this and be better than before.’’
Not with you, friend.
I was asked by a radio host the other day whether I stood by my long-repeated statement that the Cubs won’t win a World Series in my lifetime. I immediately said yes.
I said it was all actuarial. I’m 62, and I first thought the Cubs were going to win it all 42 years ago, in 1969, when I was a college sophomore and before Santo, Banks, Williams and pals expired in the August heat. But say I’ve got two good decades ahead of me, maybe even three. In fact, let’s say I’m an outlier and make it to 102. Forty more years.
That’s nothing! That’s less than 40 percent of the time the Cubs already have gone without winning a championship.
It’s math, for God’s sake!
This team is infected. Logarithms prove it.
And so it was with a rueful half-smile that I studied USA Today’s midweek baseball power rankings, as compiled by its writers and reporters.
The Cubs were 29th among the 30 major-league teams. They had 27 power points. The Seattle Mariners, en route to 17 consecutive losses, had 46. The Kansas City Royals also had 46. The first-place Philadelphia Phillies had 328 points. The seventh-place Tampa Bay Rays had 245 points. The Cubs have, like, 1,000 times the Rays’ payroll.
My lifetime? My butt.
The talented, charismatic and beloved former Ohio State quarterback, the man responsible for so much of the Buckeyes’ glory these last few seasons, has been banned from the football program for five years. There were some NCAA violations, you see. And Pryor was told by school officials he was ‘‘completely disassociated’’ from the football team and, it seems, everything that might have a buckeye leaf on it or near it.
Why he wasn’t sent into the desert with only a walking stick and locust menu is unclear.
The NBA commissioner is in for some acid reflux and migraines for a long time as the league and its players try to solve the money issues behind the lockout.
More and more insiders are saying the 2011-12 season is looking like a goner. Owners want lower player salaries and a hard salary cap, and the players don’t. The players know the league is losing money — not all teams and not the Bulls, for sure — but they think the owners have taken on debt that will be erased if and when they sell their teams.
Kobe and D-Rose playing in Turkey this winter wouldn’t be good for the NBA.
What’s the deal with 27? Seriously. Can somebody please help these junkie rock stars? OD’ing is no longer cool. Anybody?
Everybody in the WNBA
The 15-year-old league’s All-Star Game last week drew a 0.6 TV rating on ABC. That’s home-video territory, a banjo-playing monkey on YouTube.
I shouldn’t let the Cubs get to me. Life is too short.