Japan flipped the script on U.S. at Women’s World Cup

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Japan's Homare Sawa, center, celebrates scoring her side's second goal during the final match between Japan and the United States at the Womenís Soccer World Cup in Frankfurt, Germany, Sunday, July 17, 2011. (AP Photo/Martin Meissner)

Updated: July 19, 2011 2:12AM

Hey, America, we just got our fannies spanked in public.

We got our pants pulled down and a pie shoved in our face and a firecracker lit in our shoe. We got our big Disney-ending-loving selves made into the dumb bad guys (gals?) in a wonderful fairy tale told in another language, for another people.

Think of it — we lost a women’s soccer world championship Sunday to a country that’s a little smaller than Montana, has about 200 million fewer people, a fraction of the female liberation and approximately half the female soccer participants as . . . the state of Illinois.

Should we add that Japan, the penalty-kick winner of what had been a dramatic 2-2 contest, also plays with teensy athletes — only one player as tall as 5-7 — so that 5-11 U.S. forward Abby Wambach towered in front of the goal like Shaq in Lilliput?

No, this defeat — close and thrilling as it was — needs no extra sauce because for some reason American arrogance and belief that everything is scripted for our good now make the setback, hopefully, fundamentally self-revelatory.

We were expecting ‘‘Cinderella,’’ and we got ‘‘Saw’’ instead.

I am all for women’s sports and U.S. dominance in everything from soda pop to death rays from space. But every big game we play doesn’t mean we’re the hardest-working or the only ones who know what an upset is or that we are the chosen.

Seriously, to lose to a country that had never beaten us in 25 official games — that is, not since Betsy Ross gamely stitched the American flag in 1776 — on the biggest soccer stage is right there with the biggest dumps of all time.

Strange developments

Yet something so weird was happening in the buildup to the championship game of the Women’s World Cup in Frankfurt, Germany, that you might have thought the U.S. women were bravely hacking through a jungle barefoot with penknives.

It started in the quarterfinals against Brazil, an outstanding comeback win against an exciting team with the great star Marta at the helm, but a team, nevertheless, with flaws, and one that was, indeed, ranked below the United States.

In fact, though many experts thought Germany’s women would have the best chance to win on their home turf, the United States was ranked No. 1 coming in. How can you be an underdog if you’re top-rated?

Nah, that doesn’t matter to us. Every win is a testament to our grit, every comeback is the brave child killing the wolf, every upset is something transcendent, from God.

The self-promotion network

With ESPN promoting the heck out of the tournament, one it conveniently had bought the television rights to, the race to make the dramatic story was on. High ratings are good ratings. Plus, there was no NFL, NBA or college sports to squeeze, and baseball was past the All-Star Game and lost in the doldrums of midsummer.

So this was going to be it for the kids and adults before summer camp ends and the family vacations in August lead, inexorably, to school.

But you can’t make something what it is not. Sports are real.

Much publicized, analyzed and beloved U.S. goalkeeper Hope Solo stunk on her penalty-shot blocking. Little, quick-as-a-rabbit Japanese goalie Ayumi Kaihori was unreal.

American midfielder Carli Lloyd shot her penalty kick over the net like a bottle rocket, no defense needed.

This is how it is in sport. And those who say the World Cup will make more females want to play soccer in the States and more people care about the game are likely right and wrong. Soccer is more plentiful than crabgrass in this country right now. What could be easier? Drop the ball on the sod and say, ‘‘OK, kids, kick it!’’

But fans? Who cares? Soccer is a game to watch occasionally, when it matters. Isn’t the point to play a game, anyway, not watch it? Isn’t that what the feminists and equality-for-all people should want?

I love playing softball, but I wouldn’t watch a men’s pro game if you paid me. Actually, I did, years ago, and it was more boring than dirt.

Did anybody notice that this championship revolved around three countries — Japan, the United States and Germany — that 65 years ago were parts of the Axis and Allies in the most horrible war ever.

That’s progress, don’t you think?

So is getting your face splattered with eggs. Welcome to it, women. This is how the big time rolls.