TELANDER’S SUNDAY STEW: Mike Tice gets a yay for the neigh
BY RICK TELANDER firstname.lastname@example.org | @RickTelander August 10, 2013 1:22AM
Ex-Bears offensive coordinator Mike Tice made more than $100,000 on a long-shot bet last week. | Charles Rex Arbogast/AP
Updated: September 12, 2013 6:29AM
It’s a mixed bag being an ex-Bears top coach, something that might concern Marc Trestman as his Chicago clock ticks.
Dave Wannstedt left town, fizzled at the University of Pittsburgh and now is a special-teams coach for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Dick Jauron slid down the coaching pole after getting fired by the Bears and Bills and not being renewed as defensive coordinator for the Jaguars or Lions. He waits at the bottom for a job scrap to drift from above.
At the other end, there’s Papa Bear George Halas, who had a long life and is in the Hall of Fame.
And, of course, there’s Da Coach, Mike Ditka, who’s in the Hall of Fame and on TV and can sell you anything from hot dogs to hot sauce.
Now we can add to the plus side recently fired Bears offensive coordinator Mike Tice. On Thursday, Tice hit the Pick 6 long-shot bet at Del Mar race track near San Diego. His wager: $128. His winnings: $100,796.20.
‘‘I’m a horse guy,’’ Tice told ESPN Chicago.
Now we know. It’s too late for us. But Trestman could work on the hobby.
◆ I’ve received lots of doo-dads from college athletic departments through the years promoting preseason Heisman Trophy candidates. There have been things like trading cards, brochures, even a can of purple ‘‘Varsity Adhesive Bandages’’ from Kansas State, pushing former quarterback Collin Klein.
But Northern Illinois’ recent promo for quarterback Jordan Lynch might take the cake, literally. Not only did I — and many other Heisman voters, I assume — get a nice ‘‘Jordan Lynch For 6’’ notepad, replete with Northern’s 2013 schedule, photos of Lynch in action, plus his gaudy stats — we also received insulated, zippered Jordan Lynch lunch bags.
By my reckoning, about a dozen Twinkies could go inside, or a six-pack of beer, or 5,000 Johnny Manziel autographs.
◆ Alex Rodriguez.
I think the 38-year-old A-Rod likely took performance-enhancing drugs as far back as high school. In her book, A-Rod: The Many Lives of Alex Rodriguez, sportswriter Selena Roberts states as much. I think Rodriguez, who once was en route to easing the cheating home run king Barry Bonds from our minds, has no scruples about anything.
I think he is vain and insecure and narcissistic to the point of disappearing into the mirror from which he views himself.
Above all, I know he is one more star player I will never vote for inclusion in the Baseball Hall of Fame.
◆ What’s a Stew without a Lance Armstrong update?
Our favorite liar/cheater/disgraced-but-shameless bike rider is being sued on all fronts for his charade of cleanliness and charity.
The U.S. Postal Service, which once sponsored his team, wants its money back. So does an insurance company. So, interestingly, does a group representing readers of his fraudulent books, It’s Not About the Bike and Every Second Counts, both co-written with noted sportswriter Sally Jenkins.
It was Jenkins, you’ll recall, who famously wrote in a 2012 Washington Post column defending Armstrong: ‘‘Lance Armstrong is a good man. There’s nothing that I can learn about him short of murder that would alter my opinion on that.’’
Well, nobody has yet suggested murder, though Armstrong did kill several innocent people’s good names and reputations.
But scum he is. His defense in the U.S. Postal case is beyond hilarious. Essentially, it is this: The plaintiffs should have known I was lying back then because . . . lying’s what I do.
◆ On the nature front, upon which I remain equally vigilant, I have two items for you.
First, bed bugs.
You don’t like them. I don’t. Nobody does.
But on a recent plane trip I read from cover to cover The Bed Bug Book: The Complete Guide to Prevention and Extermination.
Learnings? These ‘‘minute vampires’’ can go a year and a half without feeding, they can’t climb clean glass or plastic, they are chemical resistant, dogs can sniff them out with great reliability, beware sleazy hotel carpets and movie seats.
Best part? Author/exterminator Ralph H. Maestre dedicates the book ‘‘to my loving wife, Paula.’’
No word on if they’re still married.
Second, the common scarab, or dung beetle, which lives on the feces of bigger animals, has been found to use a navigational system that is amazing.
According to an essay in Tuesday’s New York Times, experiments suggest the beetles, which steadily roll their little balls of poop in straight lines away from the bigger, um, food source, are looking around.
But on heavily clouded nights, the beetles flounder.
Why? They orient themselves for dung-travel by using the Milky Way. When they can’t see it, they’re in trouble.
‘‘This ability might turn out to be widespread in the animal kingdom,’’ wrote the scientists.
From the outhouse to the penthouse, good people, knowledge arises.