Cubs’ statistical-analysis system needs name; Captain Blow is as good as any

• Reprints

Theo Epstein (left) gets applause from bosses Tom (center) and Todd Ricketts, as well as from the fans, at the Cubs Convention. | Scott Stewart~Sun-Times

Updated: February 16, 2012 8:18AM

Perhaps you missed this while you were ironing your vintage LaTroy Hawkins jersey for the Cubs Convention, but the Cubs recently announced a plan to create a computer system for their top-secret analytical information.

It leaves us with a heavy responsibility: the naming of the system. The computer program Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein created when he was with the Red Sox is called Carmine. People in Boston speak of it — he? she? — in the kind of reverential tones normally reserved for church.

We in Chicago need a name that will capture the essence of this star-crossed franchise. Given the Cubs’ colors, Big Blue sounds good, but it’s IBM’s nickname and, therefore, too associated with success. Same with Deep Blue, IBM’s chess-playing computer. How about Ty-D-Bol Blue?

Billy would be a fine choice, seeing as how it could stand for both Williams and Goat.

You could go with Ronnie, though there might be some confusion as to which one it’s honoring — Santo, Woo Woo or Reagan, a former Cubs radio announcer.

Woo Woo .  .  . hmmmm. Has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it?

How about Heimlich, to stop the Cubs from choking? Or Alfonso, to remind them to think before they do something really, really stupid? Or, likewise, Milton?

I went to Getnicknames.com, a nickname generator, for help. Under ‘‘your name,’’ I typed in ‘‘Chicago Cubs.’’ For a category, I selected ‘‘Superhero.’’ Five nickname choices popped up immediately:

1. Crunk Master Flex.

2. Captain Blow.

3. The Spit.

4. Fighting Phil.

5. The Franchise.

For reasons I can’t begin to explain, I like No. 2. I welcome your suggestions, but Captain Blow already is running a statistical analysis on why Soriano can’t seem to field his position.

One curse down, one to go

Epstein wants to be above all this silliness, and I don’t blame him. He wants to present an image that scoffs at the last 103 years of futility. But the past keeps tugging at his trouser cuffs.

On the day of the computer announcement, a grade-school kid asked Epstein a question about the Cubs’ infamous Billy Goat curse. It was a lovely reminder that you can do all the cutting-edge analytical stuff you want, but when you’re working for the Cubs, you still have to deal with the 800-pound horned creature in the room.

Epstein knew the challenge he faced when the Cubs hired him in October, but it’s always good to be reminded of the reality of the team’s dry spell. It’s a ‘‘dry spell’’ the way the Sahara is ‘‘a bit sandy.’’

One of the unfortunate byproducts of all the losing is that people always are looking for explanations for its staying power. It’s why the Billy Goat curse is popular among a segment of Cubs fans. It fills the void where reason used to dwell before it gave up and started rooting for the Yankees.

Maybe Epstein has it all figured out after defeating one curse and winning two World Series in Boston. Maybe statistical analysis is the garlic to the Billy Goat curse’s vampire.

But until Epstein sits in Wrigley Field during a playoff game and feels the oppressive heaviness in the air, it won’t matter if he proves the existence of the Higgs boson. If you were in the ballpark in 2003, when the Cubs were five outs away from their first trip to the World Series since 1945, then you know what I’m talking about. When Alex Gonzalez inexplicably booted that ground ball, it was as though the place lost cabin pressure. That’s what Epstein is up against.

‘Proprietary’ information

I hate to bring up 1945, but it’s the year tavern owner Billy Sianis put a curse on the Cubs after they kicked him and his foul-smelling goat out of a World Series game. Sianis reportedly said the Cubs wouldn’t win again, which many interpreted to mean the Fall Classic.

The curse doesn’t explain the long stretch of futility before 1945. I’d love to give Epstein some truth serum and hear his explanation for how a franchise can go 103 years without a championship.

But all that matters now is whether he has some ideas for ending the drought.

It’s encouraging that Epstein refers to the Cubs’ statistical analysis as ‘‘proprietary’’ information. It offers hope that they might have something other teams don’t. They’ll need help from all areas — stats, scouting, Epstein’s intellect, luck, Tebow — to overcome their ponderous past.

But if the Cubs ever do win a World Series, Captain Blow should get a ring.