Super Bowl replay: Beyonce, Ray Lewis, power outage and commercials
BY NORMAN CHAD email@example.com February 4, 2013 12:44AM
Updated: February 4, 2013 10:56AM
Finally, Big Brother fought back. Serena Williams had trumped Venus, Eli Manning had out-clutched Peyton and, of course, Albert Brooks always has been a bit funnier than Super Dave Osborne. But on Super Bowl Sunday, John Harbaugh outlasted bratty little sibling Jim for the family’s first Lombardi Trophy.
(Spectacular game, but, hey, New Orleans — no lights, no more Super Bowls. That delay caused dip issues for me.)
As usual, I took it all in and took copious notes:
1:05 p.m. Central time: CBS’ Solomon Wilcots is live at the Ravens’ hotel . I could swear I see two tiny bottles of shampoo in his right jacket pocket.
1:06: Steve Tasker is at the 49ers’ hotel and says the team ‘‘has rehearsed their snack schedule’’ — just like Couch Slouch does!
1:08: The Packers’ Clay Matthews tells Greg Gumbel, ‘‘Somehow I tricked the execs at CBS to let me on set with you.’’ Shannon Sharpe did the same thing nine years ago.
1:53: Rachael Ray with the standard I’ll-show-you-something-to-cook-at-home-but-you-never-will-because-you-have-no-idea-what-you’re-doing-in-the-kitchen segment.
2:20: Boomer Esiason keeps shaking hands and high-fiving on the CBS set. Is he running for office?
3:04: They show live shot of MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, N.J., site of Super Bowl 48. Several Jets fans already are lined up at the beer concession.
3:08: ‘‘How Super of a Bowl is it,’’ my sage stepdaughter Mia wonders, ‘‘if Justin Bieber’s not even there?’’
3:23: If CBS does one more heartbreaking pregame feature, I’m going to jump on the next raft and join Greenpeace.
3:35: So President Obama might not let a son of his play football. I doubt he would’ve said that a month before the election.
4:58: Maya Angelou for Union Bank. Really? What’s next, the Dalia Lama for Michelin tires?
5:20: What’s with Jennifer Hudson? Have a Mallomar bar, sweetie.
5:22: Alicia Keys isn’t lip-synching the national anthem, but I think that was a player piano.
5:27: A black president and a black Super Bowl referee? This civil-rights thing is moving at warp speed.
5:32: Every Super Bowl should start with a touchback; it allows us to catch our breath.
5:33: You prep for two weeks and have illegal formation on the first play? Bad coaching, man.
5:35: Doritos get all the press, but Fritos are the bomb.
5:38: Delaware now has produced two Super Bowl quarterbacks, Rich Gannon and Joe Flacco. That would be like Taco Bell producing two Le Cordon Bleu instructors.
5:40: I believe Colin Kaepernick has tattooed the entire menu of IHOP on his left arm.
5:42: Every time Flacco drives for a touchdown, his asking price goes up a million.
5:46: I always wait until the first Budweiser commercial of the day to drink my first PBR.
5:54: I half-expected David Akers to have a cigarette and a blindfold when he came out for his first field-goal attempt.
7:09: Beyonce runs the pistol offense at halftime.
7:32: Ravens’ Jacoby Jones returns second-half kickoff 108 yards to make it 28-6.
7:33: Most of my Super Bowl guests aren’t even arriving until the fourth quarter. Gosh, I’m going to have to entertain them myself.
7:37: The Superdome goes dark. My guess is Shannon Sharpe tripped over his tongue and caused a power outage.
7:45: Uh-oh. Solomon Wilcots and Steve Tasker have the only live microphones. The White House could declare it a national emergency.
8:03: If this delay goes any longer, CBS might fly in Charlie Rose to fill airtime.
8:32: 49ers score twice in 2:21 after lights mysteriously went out. Oliver Stone’s thinking he has a new film.
8:34: I remember I needed a power outage during my second honeymoon to change momentum.
9:05: These 49ers have made more comebacks than Robert Downey Jr.
9:20: When calls go against 49ers, Jim Harbaugh looks like his dad has just grounded him for a week.
9:34: 49ers fail on fourth-and-goal. Jim Harbaugh’s head explodes, and Ravens survive 34-31.
9:40: I imagine I’m the only one who thinks the 49ers win this game if they start Alex Smith.
9:45: Boy, Ray Lewis is going to be fired up in retirement with two Super Bowl rings and no murder charges.
Ask The Slouch
Q. I have a bet with my brother. I say the Pro Bowl last was played in 1993; he says it’s next week. Who’s right? (Dan Morgiewicz, Burke, Va.)
A. I’m going to give you each $1.25.
Q. If ESPN televised Groundhog Day in Punxsutawney, Pa., would it be a weeklong event? (Binny Natto, Dormont, Pa.)
A. From your lips to Bristol’s ears, I fear.
Q. Will Ford resurrect the Mercury Cougar line and hire Danica Patrick to drive it? (Joe Ogle, Greenwood, Ind.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org . If your question is used, you win $1.25!