With Clemens' tumble, Maddux best of his time
Jay Mariotti: The warmest ovation on a cold day wasn't for Ryan Dempster, who finally is living up to that Marisa Miller bear hug. Or Kerry Wood, who saved the six-hit shutout and 4-0 win.
Jay Mariotti: The warmest ovation on a cold day wasn't for Ryan Dempster, who finally is living up to that Marisa Miller bear hug. Or Kerry Wood, who saved the six-hit shutout and 4-0 win.
If Edmonds produces, fickle Cubdom will love him
Jay Mariotti: Know what amuses me about Cubdom? If Jim Edmonds rips a game-winning home run today, 40,000 fans will develop instant amnesia about why they hate him.
Jay Mariotti: Know what amuses me about Cubdom? If Jim Edmonds rips a game-winning home run today, 40,000 fans will develop instant amnesia about why they hate him.
Had enough Bull? Jerry Reinsdorf should sell team
Jay Mariotti: By his own estimation, Jerry Reinsdorf is the world's only perfect human being. Never has he done anything wrong, even when his nose is growing and the neon sign across his forehead flashes "I SCREWED UP."
Jay Mariotti: By his own estimation, Jerry Reinsdorf is the world's only perfect human being. Never has he done anything wrong, even when his nose is growing and the neon sign across his forehead flashes "I SCREWED UP."
Ozzie talks about quitting? Crybaby can't take the heat
Jay Mariotti: Like the spitball-shooting, booger-nosed jerk in junior high, Ozzie Guillen can dish out the abuse but can't take it. It was easy enough last week, in all his First Amendment glory, to fire a new load of F-bombs at his targets. Oh, how good he felt when he zinged White Sox fans for their demanding standards, the Chicago media for supposedly adoring the Cubs and Lou Piniella -- I still can't get over this one -- for being "[bleeped] up."
Jay Mariotti: Like the spitball-shooting, booger-nosed jerk in junior high, Ozzie Guillen can dish out the abuse but can't take it. It was easy enough last week, in all his First Amendment glory, to fire a new load of F-bombs at his targets. Oh, how good he felt when he zinged White Sox fans for their demanding standards, the Chicago media for supposedly adoring the Cubs and Lou Piniella -- I still can't get over this one -- for being "[bleeped] up."
Complaint-free zone: Cubs sweep, all's well again
Jay Mariotti: This is one of those rare, surreal occasions when Cubdom has nothing to bitch about. Other than Tony Romo not bringing Jessica Simpson for his seventh-inning singalong, which actually might have been a godsend, what isn't to like about a sweep of baseball's hottest team?
Jay Mariotti: This is one of those rare, surreal occasions when Cubdom has nothing to bitch about. Other than Tony Romo not bringing Jessica Simpson for his seventh-inning singalong, which actually might have been a godsend, what isn't to like about a sweep of baseball's hottest team?
Excuses, excuses: Dawdling Bulls fail Chicago
Jay Mariotti: Mike D'Antoni lives only a few cacti, a couple of rattlesnakes and an estimated 200 yards from Jerry Reinsdorf. But what is proximity when an owner is cheaper than dirt? Reinsdorf couldn't strike a deal with his Arizona neighbor Friday, which only exacerbates the misery of his struggling franchise.
Jay Mariotti: Mike D'Antoni lives only a few cacti, a couple of rattlesnakes and an estimated 200 yards from Jerry Reinsdorf. But what is proximity when an owner is cheaper than dirt? Reinsdorf couldn't strike a deal with his Arizona neighbor Friday, which only exacerbates the misery of his struggling franchise.
When Cubs need hero, Ted no Lilliputian
Jay Mariotti: The $136 million man was hearing boos, more evidence of his Cirque du Soriano existence. Reed Johnson was diving feebly for a ball that bounced two feet in front of him, the blooper antithesis of his catch for the ages last month. How bad was it getting in Cubdom? Lou Piniella, a potential Hall of Famer, was absorbing grief from the Hall of Shamer on the South Side.
Jay Mariotti: The $136 million man was hearing boos, more evidence of his Cirque du Soriano existence. Reed Johnson was diving feebly for a ball that bounced two feet in front of him, the blooper antithesis of his catch for the ages last month. How bad was it getting in Cubdom? Lou Piniella, a potential Hall of Famer, was absorbing grief from the Hall of Shamer on the South Side.
D'Antoni baloney? Bulls better pay big money
Jay Mariotti: Would Mike D'Antoni be fun? Shoot, he'd be wilder than Robert Downey Jr. hurling flames from an Iron Man suit. Shoot, he'd be crazier than a motorbike-riding, cop-punching, Springer-studio-brawling, Garnett-air-gun-pelting Benny the Bull. Shoot, he'd bring the rawest entertainment in 10 years to the United Center, where a statue outside is much more exciting than the ballers inside.
Jay Mariotti: Would Mike D'Antoni be fun? Shoot, he'd be wilder than Robert Downey Jr. hurling flames from an Iron Man suit. Shoot, he'd be crazier than a motorbike-riding, cop-punching, Springer-studio-brawling, Garnett-air-gun-pelting Benny the Bull. Shoot, he'd bring the rawest entertainment in 10 years to the United Center, where a statue outside is much more exciting than the ballers inside.
Drunk or victimized, Benson has no Bears future
Jay Mariotti: Who hasn't been there, on a boat with beer and bikinied beauties? But when Cedric Benson chose to throw a party on his new motorboat last weekend, at a lake in his native Texas, he had to know trouble could await him.
Jay Mariotti: Who hasn't been there, on a boat with beer and bikinied beauties? But when Cedric Benson chose to throw a party on his new motorboat last weekend, at a lake in his native Texas, he had to know trouble could await him.
Ozzie, Sox: Chicago's rude, crude embarrassment
Jay Mariotti: The team with no class almost spun a no-hitter. Filthy as the White Sox and their manager have been, Gavin Floyd somehow was filthier and nastier Tuesday night on the South Side.
Jay Mariotti: The team with no class almost spun a no-hitter. Filthy as the White Sox and their manager have been, Gavin Floyd somehow was filthier and nastier Tuesday night on the South Side.
As Mt. Piniella erupts, Kerry Wood experiment fizzles
Jay Mariotti: Truth be known, if Kerry Wood simply had done his job Thursday, Lou Piniella wouldn't be melting down.
Jay Mariotti: Truth be known, if Kerry Wood simply had done his job Thursday, Lou Piniella wouldn't be melting down.
Mavericks: How about Cuban, Avery in Chicago?
Jay Mariotti: He was grinning when the TV camera captured him, as if ready to ditch a heartbreak basketball team and buy a karma-tortured baseball team. Mark Cuban looked very comfortable in his dugout box seat Wednesday night, far from the right-field bleachers where he and his friends partied last fall. Unlike his last visit, when he traded e-mails with me in the press box for six innings, this stopover seemed more serious.
Jay Mariotti: He was grinning when the TV camera captured him, as if ready to ditch a heartbreak basketball team and buy a karma-tortured baseball team. Mark Cuban looked very comfortable in his dugout box seat Wednesday night, far from the right-field bleachers where he and his friends partied last fall. Unlike his last visit, when he traded e-mails with me in the press box for six innings, this stopover seemed more serious.
Fukudome/SI jinx? Nah, the issue is Alfonso Soriano
Jay Mariotti: The Sports Illustrated cover doesn't bother me. That's because the Japanese phrase above Kosuke Fukudome's steely-faced photo -- translation: "It's Gonna Happen" -- is from an inaccurate sign waved by one of his bandana-wrapped fans.
Jay Mariotti: The Sports Illustrated cover doesn't bother me. That's because the Japanese phrase above Kosuke Fukudome's steely-faced photo -- translation: "It's Gonna Happen" -- is from an inaccurate sign waved by one of his bandana-wrapped fans.
It's 'Forgive Lee Elia Night' at (bleeping) Wrigley Field
Jay Mariotti: Excuse me, but why exactly does Cubdom adore Lou Piniella? And why do White Sox fans appreciate Ozzie Guillen, at least when he isn't foolishly trying a squeeze play with one out in the 10th inning? The biggest reason is that both managers will do anything necessary to protect their players, which is all Lee Elia was doing, when you think about it, on April 29, 1983.
Jay Mariotti: Excuse me, but why exactly does Cubdom adore Lou Piniella? And why do White Sox fans appreciate Ozzie Guillen, at least when he isn't foolishly trying a squeeze play with one out in the 10th inning? The biggest reason is that both managers will do anything necessary to protect their players, which is all Lee Elia was doing, when you think about it, on April 29, 1983.
Quarterback- phobic Bears headed for a crash
Jay Mariotti: The Bears, I'm convinced, are playing a different game than the other 31 NFL franchises.
Jay Mariotti: The Bears, I'm convinced, are playing a different game than the other 31 NFL franchises.
With reputation in doubt, Angelo plays it boring
Jay Mariotti: If Jerry Angelo wasn't an NFL general manager, he'd be a worm farmer. Or an air-duct cleaner.
Jay Mariotti: If Jerry Angelo wasn't an NFL general manager, he'd be a worm farmer. Or an air-duct cleaner.
Briggs headed down troublesome highway
Jay Mariotti: The skid marks in the grass are gone, washed away by the snowstorms and mud of a cruddy winter. Still, some smart aleck has found a way to preserve Lance Briggs' crash site as a dubious civic landmark.
Jay Mariotti: The skid marks in the grass are gone, washed away by the snowstorms and mud of a cruddy winter. Still, some smart aleck has found a way to preserve Lance Briggs' crash site as a dubious civic landmark.
Cubdom Rule No. 1: Don't talk World Series in April
Jay Mariotti: What was this, a shock-jock hoax? There was Carlos Zambrano, on my car radio, explaining that he won't return to Venezuela next winter so he can stay in Chicago and celebrate a World Series championship with Cubs fans.
Jay Mariotti: What was this, a shock-jock hoax? There was Carlos Zambrano, on my car radio, explaining that he won't return to Venezuela next winter so he can stay in Chicago and celebrate a World Series championship with Cubs fans.
Wake up, Bears: Target Mendenhall, not OT
Jay Mariotti: Maybe I'm mistaken, but to have a running game, it helps to actually have a running back. The Bears own no such creature, unless we're counting Cedric (Three Yards and a Cloud of Bust) Benson -- and I'm not.
Jay Mariotti: Maybe I'm mistaken, but to have a running game, it helps to actually have a running back. The Bears own no such creature, unless we're counting Cedric (Three Yards and a Cloud of Bust) Benson -- and I'm not.
Life of Brian: Bears have leverage in standoff
Jay Mariotti: Yeah, I'm sure mustering a lot of sympathy for Brian Urlacher in his quest to "feel appreciated." The best way to do that, I always say, is to invite a fawning Tribune writer into your luxurious Arizona existence and threaten to boycott mini-camp because your $57 million deal is obsolete.
Jay Mariotti: Yeah, I'm sure mustering a lot of sympathy for Brian Urlacher in his quest to "feel appreciated." The best way to do that, I always say, is to invite a fawning Tribune writer into your luxurious Arizona existence and threaten to boycott mini-camp because your $57 million deal is obsolete.
New York state of mind? Zambrano subdues it
Jay Mariotti: The first thing you should know: This means a hell of a lot more to you than it does to them. New Yorkers couldn't give a subway token whether the Mets and Yankees are playing in Chicago, California or Mongolia this week, applying the rule that all points west of the Hudson River are the hinterlands.
Jay Mariotti: The first thing you should know: This means a hell of a lot more to you than it does to them. New Yorkers couldn't give a subway token whether the Mets and Yankees are playing in Chicago, California or Mongolia this week, applying the rule that all points west of the Hudson River are the hinterlands.
Frankly, life good right now for Williams, White Sox
Jay Mariotti: I'm not sure how this is possible, but several days have passed since Ozzie Guillen torched an umpire or infuriated a country. More impressively, we've gone entire weeks without Ken Williams complaining about a mysterious anti-White Sox bias or threatening to sue Jose Canseco. Which is precisely what I like about the Sox right now.
Jay Mariotti: I'm not sure how this is possible, but several days have passed since Ozzie Guillen torched an umpire or infuriated a country. More impressively, we've gone entire weeks without Ken Williams complaining about a mysterious anti-White Sox bias or threatening to sue Jose Canseco. Which is precisely what I like about the Sox right now.
Wrigley overtakes The Cell as nuthouse
Jay Mariotti: Hey, you. Yes, the dope throwing a baseball on the field at the same time 14 other dopes throw baseballs on the field. You are not the story. You think you're the story, in part because the media have overdosed in romanticizing the fan experience at Wrigley Field. But in truth, you're just an assclown who could hit someone in the head, including a Cubs player.
Jay Mariotti: Hey, you. Yes, the dope throwing a baseball on the field at the same time 14 other dopes throw baseballs on the field. You are not the story. You think you're the story, in part because the media have overdosed in romanticizing the fan experience at Wrigley Field. But in truth, you're just an assclown who could hit someone in the head, including a Cubs player.
Urlacher wants out? Call bluff and trade him
Jay Mariotti: Ever see a man so popular become so bitter, so calculating, so childish? No one in pro football has benefited from positive p.r. more than Brian Urlacher, who led the NFL in jersey sales last year and continues to show up in TV commercials that somehow make a monotonal, monosyllabic mope seem funny.
Jay Mariotti: Ever see a man so popular become so bitter, so calculating, so childish? No one in pro football has benefited from positive p.r. more than Brian Urlacher, who led the NFL in jersey sales last year and continues to show up in TV commercials that somehow make a monotonal, monosyllabic mope seem funny.
As Paxson struggles, Colangelo willing to help
Jay Mariotti: So John Paxson is going to dawdle. The Bulls have won exactly one playoff series since the Jordan dynasty -- what, no 10-year reunion? -- yet the boss is in no hurry to repair a master plan that backfired like Acme dynamite in Wile E. Coyote's grill. Never mind that the Bucks, Knicks, Bobcats, Grizzlies, Heat and Hawks all could have coaching vacancies in the coming days.
Jay Mariotti: So John Paxson is going to dawdle. The Bulls have won exactly one playoff series since the Jordan dynasty -- what, no 10-year reunion? -- yet the boss is in no hurry to repair a master plan that backfired like Acme dynamite in Wile E. Coyote's grill. Never mind that the Bucks, Knicks, Bobcats, Grizzlies, Heat and Hawks all could have coaching vacancies in the coming days.
