This city has it all--except a QB

Did you see Chicago's proudest acting homeboy, Vince Vaughn, try to throw a football on TV? He heaved it like ''a girl,'' according to the show's host, Regis Philbin. It wasn't what we'd expect from the 6-5 definition of 21st-century Hollywood machismo, but then, I also recall the scene in ''Wedding Crashers'' when Vaughn is trying to complete a pass in a backyard pickup game and keeps getting massacred by the blitzing jerk.

Yes, even our town's most famous celebrities are afflicted by the City of Weak Shoulders jinx. We can produce a wonderful skyline, bid for the 2016 Olympics, win six basketball titles in eight years, cook up culinary delights, showcase Oprah to the world, light up holiday faces on the Magnificent Mile and even win a World Series for the first time in eons.

But quarterbacks? Can't get it right. Never have, never will.

Rex Grossman is the latest guinea pig. He was supposed to provide closure to the riddle, not perpetuate the problem, and maybe he'll figure it out someday. But for now, Rex ranks as the biggest of quarterbacking teases around here, a passer who started the season like an MVP and dissolved into a one-syllable euphemism for rotgut and community panic. We waited three years for Grossman to stay healthy, saw initial signs he was worth the wait, then watched him set back the passing profession a couple of thousand years. His rapid deterioration has become a national story, and when ESPN.com asked a simple poll question Monday -- Which QB should start for the Chicago Bears? -- around 300,000 had responded late in the night.

Naturally, the nation joins the vast majority of locals who want to see Brian Griese play and at least give the Bears a chance to win a Super Bowl, a shot they no longer have with Bad Rex. Given the embarrassing lineage in the last 10 years alone -- McNown and Hutchinson, Quinn and Krenzel, Stewart and Orton, Mirer and Stenstrom, a Moses who couldn't locate a receiver much less part the sea -- you'd think the Bears would be the first team to make a QB change. What's so hard about pulling the trigger these days, anyway? I've watched Bill Parcells, a future Hall of Fame coach, replace veteran Drew Bledsoe with young Tony Romo and look brilliant. I've seen the Jacksonville Jaguars push a high first-round pick, Byron Leftwich, to injured reserve so David Garrard can provide stability and consistency. I've seen Mike Shanahan, who wears Super Bowl rings, have the guts to realize he's going nowhere with Jake Plummer and gamble with raw rookie Jay Cutler.

But even in a league dictated by a desperate credo this season -- life is too short to suffer a stinky quarterback -- Halas Hall still isn't budging. Grossman will remain the starter Monday night in St. Louis, and when I refer to Halas Hall, it's a way to remind angry fans that Lovie Smith does have a boss. His name is Jerry Angelo, a general manager who has the power to strongly suggest a position change but still won't do so -- probably because so much of his professional reputation is locked into his decision to draft and groom Grossman. If they stick with Rex into the playoffs and he continues to play horribly, the boys risk intense public disapproval.

With anti-Rex howls drowning out the Salvation Army bells, I still cling to hope the big bosses will shift to Griese if Grossman reeks against the reeling Rams. Stubborn as these men can be, it's hard to believe they'd stick with the kid if he has his sixth poor performance in eight games and continues on his recent three-picks-a-game pace -- on national TV again, no less. Those who listened closely Monday to Smith's carefully worded comments on the situation heard no long-term declarations. I consider it a shred of hope that maybe, just maybe, the Bears might make the big switch the following Sunday at home against Tampa Bay.

''We are not making a change,'' Smith said. ''We have evaluated Rex's performance. Rex didn't play as well as he needed to. It was a bad game for Rex. ... We have to get better at that position. That's about all I can tell you.''

Doesn't sound like a playoff vote of confidence to me. When asked if Grossman is on a short leash -- another opportunity to embrace him -- Smith fell short again. ''Short leash, what is that? Explain short leash,'' Smith said. ''Rex is our starting quarterback. He's starting the game this week for us, just like it's been all year, and we'll go from there.''

Couple Lovie's less-than-rousing support with similar concerns voiced by offensive coordinator Ron Turner, who says Grossman is thinking too much. Without turning it into a drama, the Bears are telling us that Rex must play well Monday. They do have a monthlong cushion to get this right. Nothing would be wrong with Griese playing a couple of games while Grossman watches, but Halas Hall seems phobic to any back-and-forth controversy. Once a change would be made to Griese, chances are the Bears would stick by it for the playoffs. And please recognize this: Griese isn't necessarily a Super Bowl savior. He may be more equipped for the current mess than Rex, who can't deal with the pressure and has lost his confidence. But that doesn't mean Griese won't make mistakes, too.

After all, this is the City of Weak Shoulders.

One thing Smith can do, as his support slips, is put a sock in his Rex-has-won-10-games logic. Last season, Orton won nine games -- and was benched when Grossman was ready to return in the second half against Atlanta. Using that logic, Orton should have remained the starter. No, this organization coddles Rex. It's a love affair that could end with a knife in the heart.

''I know what my abilities are. I need to start playing well,'' a shaken Grossman said. ''It's not where, 'No, I can't play anymore.' I know I can play. I just have to go out and do it.

''Hopefully, people will be patient.''

To grant his request, in this city, would be impossible.

Jay Mariotti is a regular on ''Around the Horn'' at 4 p.m. weekdays on ESPN. Send e-mail to inbox@suntimes.com with name, hometown and daytime phone number. Letters run Sunday.