It's enough to give you a heart attack

Superfans creator knows it's difficult to move past Ditka

It's a time of transition for Bears fans. For so long, Mike Ditka was their hero, and more than that, really. He was a lifestyle, an attitude, a statement about Chicago, about fair play, not caring what others think and whipping thy neighbor. Not to mention, he has been a trendsetting mustache model. Now, the Bears are finally back in the Super Bowl, and Coach Lovie Smith is professional, quiet, mild-mannered and kind of dull.

How do you go from Da Coach to a guy named Lovie? I asked the world's greatest expert on this. And this is what he thinks Ditka fans would say to Ditka now:

''We all know that you control Lovie Smith's thoughts through your tele-Ditkanesis. You're responsible for moving the Bears back to the top.''

The expert is Robert Smigel, creator of the old Superfans sketches on ''Saturday Night Live,'' the bit with the Ditka-worshipping, overstuffed, multiple-heart-attack-suffering, overeating guys talking about Da Bears and their hero, Da Coach.

In other words, Smigel knows Chicago. He wrote that Ditkanesis thing last year for a Superfan bit done on national TV as part of the 20-year anniversary of the '85 Super Bowl Bears.

But what would the Superfans do now? Eat healthy, talk quietly, brag less? Can that really be Chicago football?

''Superfans wouldn't be any different,'' Smigel said. ''Following your team is not about showing restraint. That would spoil the party if they had to pull back and start eating tofu ribs.''

Are you saying that Lovie Smith threatens to spoil the party, that the Superfans wouldn't be able to adapt and adjust to modern times?

''They love winning,'' Smigel said. ''But nobody's Ditka. At least Lovie's a big, tough-looking guy. He just keeps his cool, that's all. He's a muscular-looking guy, not like Dick Jauron. He's still a man's man. A modern Bears fan doesn't need the mustache. That was an '80s thing. The walrus mustache was an emblem of manhood back then.''

What funny thing could you possibly write about Smith?

''I don't know if I have anything about that,'' Smigel said. ''I don't have anything funny.''

Smigel has something funny to say about most everything. Talking about the Superfans bits on the phone Tuesday, he would go over the lines with that thick South Side accent they used. He said he came up with the bit after living in Chicago and watching Bears fans.

''A lot of sports traditions were started in Chicago,'' he said. ''The 'Hey, hey, goodbye' song and throwing the ball back on the field. Then the wave came, and they booed it.

''There was such an apparent pride in the city that you don't see everywhere. It really cracked me up.''

To me, the Superfans bits were funny because they were so accurate, just truth gone a little wild. How could you not recognize yourself or your friends in those sketches?

''I still get people coming up to me, with the mustache, saying, 'Hey, dat sketch, ohmygod, so funny. I know a guy just like dat. You should see him.'''

Smigel has brought us Triumph the Insult Comic Dog on ''Late Night With Conan O'Brien,'' the Ambiguously Gay Duo and also Fun with Real Audio on ''Saturday Night Live.''

Anyway, Smigel doesn't want to do any more Superfans sketches now that Chris Farley, one of the Superfans, died. But Smigel did write a bit for George Wendt and Ditka last year, and some of it was cut, as the networks wanted to keep it all nice. Luckily, Smigel kept the sketch on his computer. He called it up Tuesday and read.

Wendt: ''Coach, this team, the '85 Bears, that's a team. These men have never quit giving to this town. They're responsible for 389 restaurant bars, 219 sports-talk shows and 741 DUIs.''

Apparently, Wendt's character said that things had sure changed in the last 20 years. Like personal computers, Ditka asked.

''I was thinking more like home defibrillators. I've only had two heart attacks. I use it as the sausage is working its way down. It shocks itself down.''

I'm pretty sure that's what he said. It's hard to type and laugh at the same time.

Anyway, Bears fans and Superfans have already made adjustments, and maybe they can do it again. They had to adjust to Ditka coaching in New Orleans, and also to Ditka selling Levitra.

Smigel's lines on that last year were cut out entirely. So if you're struggling with the transition, here's one last Superfans bit:

Ditka said that he wasn't coaching the Bears through Ditkanesis, and that he was working for ESPN and doing commercials.

''All those [commercials] are hilarious,'' Wendt said. ''That Levitra commercial, that's priceless. The idea that you would require medication to get ...

Ditka: ''No, I used the stuff. I really used the stuff, Bob.''

''Come on. You are testosterone, Coach. CoaDitka can impregnate a woman just by looking her in the eye. Women have to wear shades in his presence.''

''No Bob, I'm telling you. I suffer from E.D.''

''I thought that stood for enormous Ditka. If you were to actually take Levitra, we'd have to evacuate half the bar.''

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