Jay Cutler: Wear either a hunting vest or salmon pants, and arrive with a hot chick on your arm. But don’t be surprised if she goes off and dances with someone else at the party.

Lovie Smith: Wear a Bears shirt and stand with your arms folded, staring at a clock looking utterly confused. Just when the party gets rocking, call a random timeout.

Theo Epstein: Walk around with a toy gun pointed at your temple.

Robin Ventura: Put a box over your head and write “milquetoast” on the side.

Bears offensive lineman: Throw on a Bears shirt and show up at the party 15 minutes early. When the host balks, claim “false start.” If anyone cuts in front of you in the appetizer line, let ‘em—no blocking, remember.

Derrick Rose: Do you have an old Superman costume?

Jonathan Toews: Or, an old Captain America costume?

Wrigley Field: Put a giant “L” on your forehead, spray paint your back hair green and drop tiny rocks on people.

U.S. Cellular Field: Feel empty.

Starlin Castro: Look completely disinterested at the party, turn your back on everyone and toss sunflower seeds into your mouth. Cubs jersey would be a plus.

Ozzie Guillen: No trick, just tweet.

Mike Quade: Ride the el to the party, be the nicest guy, stay late, help clean up and enjoy yourself—it’ll likely be your last.

Bears wide receiver: Sprint from door to door trick-or-treating, every time you’re handed a candy bar, drop it.

Ken Williams: Act like the smartest guy in the room.

Steve Bartman: Go out and buy a navy sweatshirt, a green turtleneck, a Sony Walkman and a Cubs hat. After you get all dressed up, go sit in your closet and don’t let anyone find you.