Sneed: This year’s vacation theme is ‘Two weddings and a bumpy ride’
By Michael Sneed September 5, 2013 8:20PM
Patrick Sneed-Griffin kisses his new bride, Sarah Rebecca Peglow, after their wedding on August 24, 2013 in Minnetrista, Minn. Photo by Tess Haun.
Updated: October 7, 2013 1:28PM
Sneed’s back . . .
“Two Weddings and a Bumpy Ride” would be an apt title for Sneed’s two-week vacation beginning and ending with nuptials — including a detour to why me?
The morning after my son Patrick’s gorgeous wedding on the shores of Lake Minnetonka in Minnetrista, Minn., to the beautiful Dr. Sarah Rebecca Peglow — I discovered I had lost my driver’s license and credit cards.
Here’s Sneed’s recipe for handling a bumpy ride minus money and a missing ID.
Panic. Breathe. Think vodka.
Then calmly revisit all the places where you used the credit cards that weekend in the hopes of finding them and not losing your mind.
When that fails, dream vodka — specifically North Shore Vodka — but it’s still noon, so take a deep breath.
Proceed to sit down in your hotel room, cancel all your credit cards, and phone everyone on your credit card auto-debit list, which hits at the first of the month.
When that is completed, inhale deeply.
Proceed to postpone your apres wedding vacation roadie from Minneapolis to Marquette, Mich., and head back to Chicago instead to get a duplicate driver’s license. (Make sure to drive slowly through the Racine and Kenosha, Wis., speed traps, so as not to get slapped over the hood of your car.)
Six hours later, discover an empty reading on your gas gauge while swinging through Milwaukee at 10 p.m. — and take an hour to find an open station in the seedier side of town.
Once that is accomplished, encounter several closed I-94 exit ramps leading to Chicago — necessitating a 30-minute reroute heading back to Green Bay in order to get back on the elusive 1-94 East.
If that doesn’t make sense, then this never would have happened to you in the first place.
Take another deep breath, give thanks you didn’t get mugged at the Milwaukee gas station of good and evil, and think of the multiple dirty martinis you are going to have when you get home.
After the hard slog home, discover the absence of olive juice to dirty your vodka cocktail — and the red sleeve containing your credit cards and driver’s license stuffed in your jewelry pouch.
Then awaken with a chest that feels like you slept on your fists, shrug it off, reload the car, pet the dog, water the potted plants, leave behind a legal pad of notes on how to pill the cat — shake off the feeling you suffer from Obsessive-compulsive disorder — and, once again, head back up to the U.P.
Three hours from Marquette, call your Chicago doctor because a fist still feels lodged in your chest, and follow his directions to head to the nearest hospital because you could be having a heart attack.
Spend the next two days telling the good doctors and nurses at the Bay Area hospital in Marinette, Wisc., you are leaving now because your heart is perfectly OK (it is) and you’ve just heard a nurse tell a patient near your room he’s being moved to quarantine because he has MRSA.
Breathe. But not in.
Finally, as you pull out of the hospital parking lot breathing a sign of blessed relief — run over the new suitcase you left behind the car.
Then veer to Marquette, where you actually drink a dirty martini while telling your tale of woe to your best friend from high school Jamie Mulligan — and attend the lovely wedding of Edward and Lizzie Manson at Middle Island Point, where your pals Sue and Tom Manson are beaming.
All’s well that begins and ends well. But next time, I won’t forget the olive juice for all the in-between.
The Biden beat . . .
Health update: Just before Sneed left on vacation, we exclusively tipped Beau Biden, veep Joe Biden’s son, who suffered a stroke a few years ago, had been treated by a doctor at Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago after becoming disoriented during a vacation in Indiana.
◆ Update: Biden, who subsequently underwent an unspecified medical procedure at the University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, returned to work Wednesday as Delaware’s attorney general.
Sneedlings . . .
Friday’s birthdays: Idris Elba, 41; Pippa Middleton, 30, and Roger Waters, 70.