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Restless press awaits Royal baby

A journalist catches up some sleep amoungst medistepladders outside Lindo Wing Saint Mary's Hospital LondJuly 16 2013 where Prince William

A journalist catches up on some sleep amoungst media stepladders outside the Lindo Wing of Saint Mary's Hospital in London, on July 16, 2013, where Prince William and his wife Catherine's baby will be born. The hospital is ready, the Wikipedia page and Twitter accounts are up and Britain's famously creative press are running out of ideas. AFP PHOTO / JUSTIN TALLISJUSTIN TALLIS/AFP/Getty Images ORG XMIT: 1177

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Updated: August 22, 2013 6:48AM

Dateline: London. . .

It was not exactly a “Downton Abbey” drama script.

But it was close.

It became an “Upstairs Downstairs” moment: The anxious British public advised Prince William and Kate Middleton of ways to get labor started after their supposed due date.

The suggestions:

◆ Eat hot curries.

◆ Eat pineapple.

◆ Drink raspberry leaf tea.

◆ Have sex. (In this heat?)

◆ Watch a tearjerker movie.

◆ A week after the due date, do acupuncture. (One dare not ask where.)

The London scrum. . .

Dateline: The storyline. . . . The news surrounding the nappy nightmare was so thin, the frustration of the press became the story; a jumble of grumpy, jumpy reporters camped at birth sites far too long in the midst of a brutal heat wave.

◆ To wit: One frustrated TV cameraman, who tried to cut crabbiness with humor, actually impaled a “labor inducing” pineapple on the metal fence outside the Lindo wing of St. Mary’s Hospital, where the royal baby is due to enter the world.

The London thrum. . .

But hark! There was a fresh royal riff Friday the nappy nightmare might be coming to an end.

Was the royal eaglet about to land?

The birth, which had been expected a week ago and branded the “Great Kate Wait” by the frustrated press and public, seemed to be finally happening.

But was it? The wait was now turning into a debate.

Kate Middleton, now the duchess of Cambridge, who was once called “Katie Waity” for her long wait to become the wife of Prince William — was now the subject of the “Great Kate Wait Debate.”

Had the royal family hoodwinked the press by floating the wrong due date as payback? The wait now had a comedic turn.

Check out this drill.

◆ On Friday morning, word had filtered back to the press the due date was actually this weekend and not last Saturday as reported, meaning the wait might go on another two weeks!

◆ Later that morning, the press camping out at St. Mary’s was fuming over a report a new hospital had been chosen, in case of an emergency, near the Middleton estate in Bucklebury where Kate was staying.

◆ Early Friday afternoon, it also became very quiet in Bucklebury, when security surrounding the Middleton estate disappeared.

◆ Later Friday afternoon, a report surfaced Kate had left her family home around 3 p.m. and was heading to London.

◆ Shortly thereafter, a Range Rover pulled up to the front steps of the Lindo wing of St. Mary’s hospital and out popped Kate and Wills look-a-likes. . . causing the press to stir and cameras to whir.

◆ The couple was hired as a gimmick by the sensational tabloid The Sun, which always features topless women on page three.

So what’s a Sneed to do?

While Secretary of State John Kerry is trying to broker peace talks in the Middle East; President Obama tries to educate the public about the plight of the young black male; Egypt is up for grabs; and the city of Chicago’s bond ratings go in the toilet, Sneed has come to a royal conclusion.

It has been a merry ole bit of reportage, but the Sneed is heading home.

The London hum. . .

Blackhawks squawk: One of Sneed’s favorite London haunts, the spectacular American Bar at the Stafford Hotel, which is enveloped in American sports memorabilia, is minus our beloved Blackhawks logo. The hotel is on an estate once owned by members of the Princess Diana’s Spencer clan and is a favorite locale of Prince William, wife, Kate, and her kicky sister, Pippa. (A quiet phone call is usually placed ahead to ensure a quiet and private royal visit — in full view.)

◆ The puck shot: The omission is being rectified. A Hawks memento is now on the way.

Sneedlings. . .

Saturday’s birthdays: Carlos Santana, 66; Julianne Hough, 25, and Ed McElroy, ageless. . . Sunday’s birthdays: Robin Williams, 62; Josh Hartnett, 35, and Jon Lovitz, 56.

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