Top 10 reasons NU law students mad about Jerry
Springer is an alum, but not necessarily one to be proud of
Pop quiz! Which of the following has NOT been an episode on Jerry Springer's show:
1. "I'm Pregnant by a Transsexual"
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2. "Hillbilly Evil Doers!"
3. "I Slept With Your Husband and Son"
4. "An Ice Cream Man and a Midget Stripper"
5. "Cross-Dressing Carny!"
6. "Livid Lesbians!"
7. "My Man is a Woman"
8. "Aspiring Prostitutes and a Drunk"
9. "I'm a Breeder for the Klan!"
10. "My Grandma is My Pimp!"
The correct answer: None of the Above, of course. All of those themes have been explored by Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. . . .
That Springer is a bright and thoughtful guy off the air doesn't mitigate the horrific nature of his show. It just means he's aware of his legacy as the ringmaster of the most execrable program, ever.
Little wonder, then, that some students at Northwestern University's School of Law are mortified by the selection of Springer as commencement speaker.
As the headline on Radar.com put it:
Midget Lesbian Wrangler to Address Northwestern Grads
I'm pretty sure they're not talking about Zach Braff, NU Class of '97.
Northwestern Dean David E. Van Zandt told the Above the Law site:
"In keeping with the spirit of our community, our commencement speaker annually is selected by a student committee, approved by the administration, and invited by both. Mr. Springer is an alumnus who has held public office as a city council member and mayor of Cincinnati. He has had a very successful career in the news and entertainment industries.
"We look forward to Mr. Springer's participation at commencement."
Nice of Dean Van Zandt to eschew any comments like, "This is the first time we've had a commencement speaker who had to resign from public service after admitting he wrote a check to a whore."
The school reportedly has added a second speaker, professor Martin Redish. No word on whether Springer will challenge Redish to a Jell-O wrestle-off.
Not that one should expect Springer to go goofy. He'll take it seriously.
Even on his own cesspool of a show, Springer has a way of distancing himself from the freak show. He'll stand in the audience, wearing an expression that says, "Who knew THIS was going to happen when we booked 'Ex-Cons From the Klan with Anger Management Issues!' "
Ah, but who remembers most commencement speeches anyway? There's always more hype about the speaker than the actual speeches.
Occasionally, though, a commencement speech has lasting value. Googling around Monday, I found playwright Tony Kushner's speech at New York's Columbia a few years ago, when Kushner said he knew he was the fourth choice, behind Warren Buffett, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Jon Stewart. It was a classic.
"I think I should begin by acknowledging your disappointment that I am not Jon Stewart," said Kushner.
"Think how I feel. Your disappointment that I am not Jon Stewart will last one morning; I am disappointed at not being Jon Stewart every morning of my life. . . ."
Later, Kushner went motivational:
"The world is melting, the world is darkening, there is injustice everywhere . . . there is desperate human need, poverty and untreated illness and exploitation everywhere . . . there is joylessness and hatred of the body and slavery masked as freedom and community disintegrating ... everywhere sexism, everywhere homophobia . . . everywhere the world is in need of repair. Fix it, solve these things. . . . The world is calling, heal the world . . . seek the truth; when you find it, speak the truth; interrogate mercilessly the truth you've found, and act, act, act.
"The world is hungry for you, the world has waited for you, the world has a place for you. Take it. Mazel tov. Change the world."
Top that, Jerry.
Miley Cyrus is 15, yet she's expected to carry a hugely lucrative franchise while being a role model to millions of girls.
Her missteps have been minor. Some skimpy outfits on the red carpet, a few candid digital shots that leaked to the Internet -- and now this Annie Leibovitz photo that has everyone buzzing hysterically.
Tsk-tsk to Leibovitz for creating the shot, and Miley's parents for approving it. It's too much, too soon.
But it's not the end of the "Hannah Montana" franchise, and it's not the end of the world.
Britney. That's the end of the world.
