Osama bin Laden sounds more like a Hef-wannabe

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Updated: October 16, 2011 12:17AM

For a man with such virulent hatred of the American way of life, Osama bin Laden is sounding more and more like a Hef-wannabe, what with the younger women and the cloistered compound life — and now the reports of a porn collection.

This guy was like the worst Muslim ever.

According to Reuters, U.S. officials say the computer files removed from bin Laden’s rat’s nest contained a sizable amount of pornography.

Whether the porn belonged to bin Laden or to someone else living in the compound is unclear. Who knows if the story is even true, given the ever-changing storyline of the raid on bin Laden. By the time this tale reaches its conclusion, the government will be telling us it wasn’t a collection of pornography, it was a collection of Origami.

But we’d like to believe it’s so, wouldn’t we? That the man who cloaked his murderous ways in his so-called faith and once wrote of Americans, “You plaster your naked daughters across billboards in order to sell a product without any shame” was in reality a closet perv who liked to hunker down in his compound and drool over titles like “I Know Who You Did Last Summer” or “You’ve Got Male,” or maybe “Driving Miss Daisy Crazy.”

That would be just too perfect.

Dept. of Frightening Results

The most depressing result of a recent Public Policy Poll: Some 34 percent of Republicans “still do not believe the president was born in this country.”

Still! Good Lord. At this point, the birth of Barack Obama is one of the most well-documented births of any human being of the last half-century, and 34 percent of Republicans still don’t believe he was born in the USA? In the face of overwhelming proof, with not a shred of evidence to indicate otherwise, they simply . . . don’t believe?

And you’re going to tell me this has nothing to do with race, nothing to do with a visceral dislike of the man?

Ninety-nine percent of me doesn’t believe that bull for a second.

Oprah’s glory days

So what was the highest-rated “Oprah” of all-time? One of the “Favorite Things” shows? Tom Cruise jumping on the sofa? A sitdown with George W. Bush or Barack Obama? Maybe the big 50th birthday bash?

Nope. According to Winfrey’s own website listing of the most-watched episodes, more people tuned in on Nov. 15, 1988, than on any other day — to see Oprah rolling out that red wagon holding 67 pounds of fat, symbolizing the amount of weight she had lost on one of the numerous diets that ultimately didn’t work, as she eventually put back all that weight and then some.

Every entry in the Top 25 was broadcast in the late 1980s or early 1990s. In fact there’s not a single show from 1994 to the present day that cracked the list — which says as much about the wider range of television and other entertainment choices we have today as it does about Oprah’s relative popularity.

No doubt Oprah’s final show will pull in a tremendous number — but I wouldn’t be surprised if it fails to score higher numbers than “Meet Erica Kane and All Her Men” (1991), “Friend Makeovers and Fashion” (1988), “When the Wife Meets the Other Woman” (1989) or “Inside the Life of an Obese Person” (1994).

My Two and a Half Cents

The best news about Ashton Kutcher joining “Two and a Half Men” is he’ll have less time to make movies. From “My Boss’s Daughter” to “Guess Who,” from “What Happens in Vegas” to “Killers,” Kutcher has given some of the most obnoxious performances in some of the most odious films of the last decade.  Those movies aren’t just bad, they’re “I want my money back” awful.

So if the likable (when he’s not making movies) Kutcher is spending 12-hour days on a sitcom set, he can’t do as much big-screen damage. It’s a win-win for everyone.

As for “Two and a Half Men,” never has a just-OK sitcom past its prime received so much publicity. If not for Charlie Sheen’s legendary meltdown, who would even be talking about the ninth season of this show?

In the long history of beloved characters being replaced on sitcoms, Kutcher stepping in for Sheen ranks well behind Kirstie Alley following Shelley Long on “Cheers” or Harry Morgan stepping in for McLean Stevenson on “MASH.”

This is more like second Darrin on “Bewitched” territory.