In a crowded field, mere mediocrity won't snare you a GOOF award

So much can happen to a GOOF nominee in a decade.

Looking back at the roster of the 1996 finalists for my annual GOOF (Greatly Overhyped and Overexposed Fool) Award, I'm struck by the balance between those who have faded from the spotlight for reasons either tragic or pathetic and those who are still out there, living out their lives in the public eye. Not all GOOFs go gently into that good night.

Matthew McConaughey was cited in '96 -- not because of any wacky behavior (his nude bongo days were still ahead), but because the media had prematurely turned him into a superstar -- "the next Paul Newman" -- before he had done anything. Now, McConaughey is best known as an amiable, oft-shirtless, pseudo-hippie who stars in mostly lightweight films.

Jenny McCarthy was on the list because the South Side native had no distinctive talent but had appeared on the cover of at least seven national magazines that year. These days, Jenny seems like a combination of Dorothy Parker and Claudette Colbert compared to the witless, panty-less bimbo starlets clogging up the celebrity blogs.

O.J. Simpson was on the list in 1996, and he was back in 2006, and isn't the world a richer place for that?

In December 1996, I was chiding Princess Diana for her public follies ("divorcees at the Sugar Shack comport themselves with more dignity"). Eight months later, sadly, she was gone.

The winner of the 1996 GOOF was Dennis Rodman. Recalling the relentless hype surrounding Rodman that year -- the traffic-halting billboard overlooking the Kennedy, the weeping on "Oprah," the faux-reality show on MTV, the drag-queen book-signing that shut down Michigan Avenue -- I think we all should have shared in the GOOF for making such a big deal over a rebounding fool who never did have anything interesting to say.

Enough reminiscing. It's time now to cite the silliest, most scandalous, most shameful and most sinful personalities of the 12 months just gone by.

This guy seems to be the only one who isn't in on the joke. Federline's nicknames -- K-Fed when he was with Britney, Fed-Ex after it was over -- are more creative than any of his "lyrics." Promoters were literally giving away tickets to some of his shows, and they still couldn't fill venues with curiosity-seekers and the haplessly unhip.

If Sacha Baron Cohen created a Kevin Federline character, you'd say it was too easy and way over the top.

Will you still flee me, will you still fleece me, when I'm 64?

Maybe they should date each other.

How much would you fork over for a pay-per-view event featuring those two in the ring?

Married with five children, the televangelist admitted buying methamphetamine and getting a massage from a male prostitute -- but said he never used the drug and never had sexual relations with gay bodybuilder Michael Jones. (Right. And Clinton didn't inhale.) A short time later, Haggard admitted to being "a deceiver and a liar" and said he was "guilty of sexual immorality" but fell short of acknowledging any salacious trysts with Jones.

Of course, this is the first time in recorded history that a crusading, moralizing, money-raising televangelist has been embroiled in a scandal.

The gracelessly and rapidly aging velociraptor proved she could actually sink lower than sewer-level with her unconscionable attacks on four Sept. 11 widows: "These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arrazis. I have never seen people enjoying their husband's death so much." This in a book titled Godless: the Church of Liberalism, from a woman who claims she's religious. Uh-huh.

Meanwhile, there's no truth to the rumors that Coulter's next three books will be titled:

Let's Kill and Eat All the Liberals and Their Children, Too

Stalin had Some Good Points, and Hitler was Sexy!

Does This Mini-Skirt Make Me Look Desperate?

For about two seconds, we thought he was JonBenet's killer. Then, we learned he was just a warped, perverted, unstable attention-seeker who LIED about being JonBenet's killer.

Miss Nevada was stripped of her title after racy photos of her appeared on the Internet.

Mothers Against Drunk Driving severed ties with Miss Teen USA due to her alleged underage drinking.

Miss USA nearly lost her crown but was rescued by the Donald in the most shameless publicity stunt -- I mean, noble act of parental-type concern -- of the year.

On Dec. 11, the California Highway Patrol responded to several calls about an SUV going the wrong way on a highway in Burbank. The driver: Nicole Richie. She told police she hadn't been drinking but she had smoked some pot and downed some Vicodin. Maybe she expected them to let her off with a warning?

The racist rant in the Laugh Factory was one of the ugliest, most deplorable celebrity meltdowns ever caught on video--and Richards compounded the problem by doing an awkward satellite appearance/apology with David Letterman, while his buddy Jerry Seinfeld tried to guide him toward some semblance of a coherent explanation.

Although Seinfeldians (including yours truly) continue to enjoy the reruns and boxed set DVDs of the greatest sitcom of all time, there is now another and quite unfortunate layer to some episodes, e.g., "The Wife." In a program that originally aired in 1994 and has been repeated less times (including just a few weeks ago on Fox), a subplot involves Kramer visiting a tanning bed because he wants to look his best when he meets his new girlfriend's parents. Kramer falls asleep and acquires a tan so deep he looks like he's in blackface -- a cringe-inducing development, given that his girlfriend is black. When her father opens the door and sees Kramer's darkened face, he bellows, "I thought you said you were bringing a white boy. I don't see a white boy. All I see is a damn fool!"

Indeed.

Appearing with his 18-year-old son on Howard Stern's show, Dick said he and his son had had sex with the same woman. Lovely.

In December, during an appearance at the Improv Club, Dick tried to lampoon the Richards rant by shouting "You're all a bunch of n - - - - - s!" at the audience. Gee, that's hilarious.

the fla rep resgnd frm congress aftr he admttd sendg drty txt msgs 2 yung pages. nt a LOL situation.

Ripped Alex Rodriguez; criticized Sparky Anderson's record as a manager; used more than two dozen variations on the f-word in a Playboy interview; called Jay Mariotti a bad name; berated a rookie pitcher to the brink of tears; said he'd like to "shoot" a former player who made claims about steroid use among other players; got into a dispute with Astros manager Phil Garner that resulted in Garner saying Guillen "needs professional help"; yelled at Jon Garland in the dugout; complained about a ban on beer in the visitors' clubhouse in Oakland.

And guided the defending World Champions to a third-place division finish.

We've discussed to death the anti-Semitic rants after the DUI bust, but there's also this: How drunk and screwed-up do you have to be to refer to a female police officer as "Sugar T - - s"? What does that even mean?

Imagine if a Democratic candidate for office had a past that included three failed marriages, a dubious reason for avoiding the draft during the Vietnam War, a voting record that didn't commence until he was 35, addiction to painkillers, questionable public remarks about women and minorities, and an incident in which he was detained by customs because of a mislabeled bottle of Viagra. Think the Sean Hannitys of the world would be having fun with this guy?

Not if it's Rush Limbaugh, voice of the Moral Majority.

The low point for Limbaugh this year came in October when he accused Michael J. Fox of "exaggerating the effects of his disease" in a political ad. "He's moving all around and shaking, and it's purely acting," said Limbaugh. "This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox."

You should know from shameless, sir.

A stellar roster of candidates, but they ran into a three-headed juggernaut this year -- a trio of GOOFs so entertainingly trashy I should probably just induct them into the GOOF Hall of Fame this year, lest they ruin the suspense by winning every year from now until 2012.

I speak, of course, of the tri-winners of the 2006 GOOF: the Unholy Trinity of Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan!

Clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap . . .

Each side of this Bermuda Triangle of talent claims to be an actress and a singer -- but they've produced, in total, maybe three or four tolerable pop songs (all by Spears), and none has given a memorable performance in a movie or on television. (To be fair, Lohan has shown flashes of potential in a handful of supporting roles.) Have you listened to Paris Hilton's "music?" Did you watch her embarrassing work on "Saturday Night Live?" Have you endured Lohan's leading performance in "Just My Luck," or Spears' attempt at acting in "Crossroads?" Their collective body of work isn't just mediocre; it's nearly invisible.

And yet they're each more famous than 99.9 percent of the actress/singers in the world. Oh, yes, God has a sense of humor.

Let's take a look at just some of their "achievements" in 2006.

Cruised around with her tot on her lap.

"Starred" in a hugely popular video on YouTube in which she came across as just maybe the dumbest 24-year-old on the planet.

Divorced Loser Husband #2.

Was photographed entering a car while toting a glass of wine.

Followed up divorce by finding a new best friend: Paris Hilton.

Hopped on the lap of her new boyfriend and made out for 10 minutes in a restaurant, as other patrons looked on in disgust.

Provided paparazzi with a gynecologist-eye view of her panty-less crotch on numerous occasions.

Was arrested on suspicion of DUI.

Told the media she was practicing abstinence.

Called herself the Marilyn Monroe of her generation.

Allegedly got into several heated public confrontations and even a physical fight with Ms. Lohan.

Was captured on video laughing as oafish heir Brandon Davis drunkenly and crudely insulted Ms. Lohan.

Got into a brawl in a bar with former Playmate Shanna Moakler.

Posed with her sister Nicky in the back of a limo -- both women wearing lingerie and shooting their legs into the air, their rear ends touching.

Hospitalized for "exhaustion."

Received a letter of a reprimand from a studio chief scolding her for absences and tardiness, irresponsible behavior and excessive partying.

Claimed Al Gore had volunteered to help her out.

Wrote a rambling text message about the death of Robert Altman that included the send-off, "Be adequite [sic]."

Said she had been attending AA meetings for a year and bragged to People magazine, "I haven't had a drink in seven days. Or anything."

Was spotted several times after the AA claim, allegedly drinking.

Went ballistic when an ex-employee showed up at a celebrity-studded GQ event, reportedly screaming that it was only for "top-level" people.

Injured her foot and her wrist in separate incidents.

Was photographed with what appeared to be cuts on her arms.

And, in one of the great PR quotes of all time, Lohan's publicist denied Lohan was dating previously mentioned oafish heir Brandon Davis by informing the New York Post, "Lindsay is dating several men who live overseas." So she's got that going for her, which is nice.

Britney, Paris and Lindsay -- superstar GOOFs for 2006, and superstar GOOFs for all time.