Madonna Performs At The Staples Center
Updated: January 21, 2013 3:51PM
We now join the 2012 GOOF Awards, already in progress.
Honey Boo-Boo. This is how civilization ends. Not with a bang, but with subtitles, because even though you’re speaking English, we can’t understand a dang word you’re sayin.’
Rush Limbaugh. Way to galvanize millions of women against the GOP with the whole “slut” thing, El Rushbo. If we didn’t know better, we’d wonder if you were working as a double agent for the libs. They couldn’t have planned a bigger backlash.
Jesse Jackson Jr. We’re not here to make fun of anyone’s medical issues. But it would have been nice if the veteran congressman had displayed even a shred of transparency instead of going missing, hiding behind an automated phone message and waiting until after he was re-elected to tell us on second thought, he won’t be able to make it into the office after all. Special mention goes to Jesse’s wife, Sandi, the alderman from the 7th ward by way of Washington, D.C.
The Replacements. Candidates for Jackson’s vacated congressional seat include convicted sex offender Mel Reynolds and State Sen. Donne “There’s No ‘I’ in Donnie” Trotter, who was detained by airport security when a gun was detected in his garment bag.
Welcome to Illinois. Our candidates come pre-convicted or at least pre-charged!
Kevin Clash. Allegedly took the whole “Tickle Me Elmo” thing to literal extremes, thus sullying the good reputation of high-voiced, middle-aged puppeteers the world over.
Ozzie Guillen. How’d that whole move-to-Florida thing work out, Ozzeroo?
The Drew Peterson Defense Team. It takes a special kind of sideshow to turn Drew Peterson into a supporting player, but with their sunglasses, their press conferences and their courtroom buffoonery, the Drew Peterson defense team managed to grab the spotlight throughout the trial — and not in a good way.
Octomom. Now that she’s done porn, we can officially kick her out of even the fringe neighborhoods of Celebrityville, and we never have to talk about her again, right?
Madonna. Whether she was flashing the audience, using Nazi imagery or opening a show in Denver with faux gunplay, the middle-aged Madge seemed more like a Real Housewife desperate for attention than a cutting-edge icon pushing artistic boundaries. Take it easy, Mom.
Worthy nominees, one and all — but the 2012 GOOF goes to…
Mitt Romney! Clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap….
Given our continuing economic woes and the sometimes lackluster performance by President Obama, the GOP had a legit shot to turn Obama into a one-term preference. All the nominee had to do was keep his eye on the ball, stay focused and keep hammering away at the three issues that mattered most to Americans:
2. The economy
3. Jobs and the economy
Distance yourself from sideshow conservatives such as Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh. Explain how you acquired your wealth and acknowledge you were handed a lot of breaks most Americans will never see. Don’t bend your views to fit the hard-core, out-of-touch, far-right wing of the party that still believes if you can win over all the white guys, you can win an election. Don’t dismiss 47 percent of the voters as hopeless lost causes that believe the government owes them a lifetime of handouts.
That Romney came so close to winning despite failing miserably at all of the above tells you the election was there for the taking. That Romney told backers after he lost because of Obama’s “gifts” to minorities and young voters gives you a measure of the clueless arrogance of the man.
Mitt Romney was a loser on election night, but he’s a big winner today. For the first time ever, we’re going to carve up the actual trophy. Forty-seven percent of it will go to Mitt, and the other 53 percent will be strapped to the roof of our car.