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Election day brings the blissful end to campaign 2012

Pop culture Mitt Romney introduced Big Bird pop culture electicampaign after first presidential debate.  | AP

Pop culture Mitt Romney introduced Big Bird to the pop culture election campaign after the first presidential debate. | AP

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Updated: December 8, 2012 6:19AM

It was like a game of “Sugar Rush” at my polling place early Tuesday morning: lots of excitement and enthusiasm, but you couldn’t go far without running into a Glitch.

At one point, the machine refused to accept ballots, so a handful of citizens were instructed to return those ballots and start all over again.

They were literally voting early and often.

Entering the polling place in the pre-dawn dark and exiting in the sunlight, I thought: metaphor! Also, instead of handing us those little slips of paper saying we voted, how about a Tootsie Roll? Or maybe dab something on our foreheads, a la Ash Wednesday?

After all the polls have closed nationwide and the votes have been tabulated — and assuming we’re not thrown into a national nightmare of lawsuits and recounts and challenges and counter-challenges — it’ll all be over come Wednesday.

And I guarantee you by the end of the week, we’ll see completely serious articles examining the outlook for the 2016 presidential race.

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One of the great joys of waking up on the day after an election is the realization you will not be bombarded with robocalls, emails from millionaires begging for money or those hideously amateurish campaign ads.

No more TV spots with the ominous, tinkling piano music, the black-and-white photos of the opposing candidate and the narrator telling us, “Carl Candidate says he’s for people, but he’s actually AGAINST people. Carl Candidate says he wants to lower your taxes, but the record proves he will break into your home and steal your most valued possessions. Carl Candidate claims to be an American, but if that’s the case, what was he doing vacationing in CANADA last year? Maybe he was visiting his relatives or even his place of birth? Do you want someone like that as your Assistant Recorder of Deeds for the County?”

We can also say goodbye to:

† Celebrities using social media to remind us to vote. If you weren’t going to vote until some actress from your favorite CW series urged you to vote, maybe you should have just stayed home.

† The Drudge Report telling us 12 people showed up for an Obama rally, but 50 kabillion people showed up for a Romney rally.

† Bruce Springsteen, born in New Jersey, sounding like he’s from Oklahoma as he shares the stage with POTUS. Don’t get me wrong — I love the Boss— but I just can’t figure out how guys like Springsteen and Bob Dylan (born in Minnesota) wind up sounding like they’re from the Dust Bowl. Singers from Oklahoma never sound like they’re from Jersey.

† Donald Trump, America’s Buffoon, confusing “Big News” with “Publicity Stunt.” Oh wait, that pattern of behavior isn’t going to end with the election, is it?

† All that focus on Big Bird. As “Sesame Street” characters go, Big Bird is the worst. The worst.

† Rock stars sending letters to candidates asking them not to use their songs as campaign anthems.

† Candidates still not getting that if you’re going to use a song as a campaign anthem, you should check with the artist beforehand to see if it’s cool, lest you be embarrassed when they come out against you and say they’d rather jump off a 50-foot stage and break both legs than hear you corrupting the meaning of their song.

† The Fox News Channel saying “Fair and Balanced,” which translates to, “We Think You’re Idiots If You Believe We’re Fair and Balanced.”

† The Undecideds. OK, we get it — you’re carefully vetting each candidate before making your informed decision. By the way, the election’s over. Are you still trying to make up your mind?

† Liberals getting all worked up because actress Stacey Dash endorsed Romney. Folks: Ms. Dash is most famous for a supporting role in a 1995 movie and for posing nude for Playboy in 2006, when she was 40. She announced her support for Romney by wearing a cleavage-clinging red top while standing in front of a giant American flag. That there was a “fury” over Dash’s endorsement is just embarrassing — not for Dash, but for anyone who got all worked up over it.

† Ohio getting all worked up over itself with newspaper headlines such as, “It’s All About Us.” Yes, that’s because you’re like Kevin Costner in “Swing Vote.” If you’d make up your mind early like California and Texas and New York, you wouldn’t be such a big deal.

† Fact checking the fact checkers who checked the facts that weren’t so factual. Of course accuracy is paramount, but if both sides are constantly telling us everything the other guy said is false, how can we help but not believe anybody?

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