Eight is enough
News Item: "Struggling with mounting debt and rising prices, Americans are selling prized possessions online and at flea markets at alarming rates . . ."
Are you better off now than you were eight years ago?
Come to think of it, with the way things are going, are you better off now than you were eight days ago?
J.S., a Palatine reader, writes:
"I feel a need to panic and loot. Do you have any suggestions?"
Sorry. With the Iraq war profiteers carrying off billions and Exxon taking profits at $1,500 a second, our nation has reached its theoretical looting capacity.
But feel free to panic.
From the Annals of the Federal Bureau of Police Squad (cont'd):
Homeland Security has issued a new security directive that it hopes will stop repeated instances of federal air marshals being blocked from boarding flights because their names are on the terrorist no-fly list.
News Headline: "Australian leader caught sniffing woman colleague's chair."
News Headline: "I did sniff colleague's chair, admits politician."
News Headline: "Call for chair-sniffing leader to go."
News Headline: "Chair-sniffing official denies crisis talks."
Indiana primary? What Indiana primary?
News Headline: "World's largest chimpanzee enclosure to open in Scotland."
No regrets. The U.S. Capitol managed to hold the record for a very long time.
Tom Nee, an Oak Lawn reader, regarding Hillary Clinton's call for debates in the style of Lincoln-Douglas, writes:
"As the candidates speak only in carefully crafted sound bites and slogans, what could they possibly say that would fill all those hours?"
You are referring to the Lincoln-Douglas format of:
• • First candidate speaks for an hour.
• • Second candidate speaks for an hour and a half.
• • First candidate speaks for a half hour.
This could easily be modernized:
• • Barack Obama says "Yes, we can" 1,800 times.
• • Hillary Clinton says "Yes, we will," 2,700 times.
• • Barack Obama says "Yes, we can" 900 times.
Or did we just review the entire campaign to date?
QT Worldwide Man-Bites-Dog Pinpoint Locator:
Nothing lately, but a man bit a police car Saturday night in Muncie, Ind.
News Item: Residents of the island of Lesbos sue in Greek court to prohibit the use of the word "lesbian" to describe sexual identity.
Yet to be heard from are the residents of Gay Township, Iowa.
Modern Education + the Criminal Mind =
A man tried to pass a forged check in the amount of $360 billion at a bank in Fort Worth, Texas, police said.
W.S., an Evanston reader, regarding a news item about an increase in beehive thefts nationwide, which QT supposed indicated a major sting operation, writes:
"I would suspect drugs are involved, as to pull off such a stunt you'd have to be totally buzzed."
Police say we might know more if the suspects would submit to a pollengraph.
Israeli museum curator Milana Gitzin-Adiram regarding a work of art that consists of six men living in a museum gallery for three weeks with lice in their hair:
"Art is life. Life is --"
Oh, be quiet.
From the QT Archive of Knowledge:
• • The Drin is the longest river in Albania.
• • Keith Richards packs a six-inch ratchet knife.
News Item: New study finds that alcohol inhibits the brain's amygdala and parahippocampal gyrus, which normally help tell the difference between threatening and non-threatening behavior, giving rise to an increased potential for bar fights.
When did a having a snootful become inhibiting the amygdala and parahippocampal gyrus, and when can we have having a snootful back?
And Mario Caruso, a Chicago reader, wants to know when recycled paper became "post-consumer waste paper," and when can we have recycled paper back?
And B.C., a Riverside reader, having sent out to Domino's, wants to know when a small pizza became a "full-size 10-inch pizza," and when can we have small pizzas back?
And . . .
