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Obamacare Rollout: Greatest scandal ever?

President Barack Obamspeaks about his signature health care law Brady Press Briefing Room White House Washingt Thursday Nov. 14 2013.

President Barack Obama speaks about his signature health care law in the Brady Press Briefing Room at the White House in Washington, Thursday, Nov. 14, 2013. Bowing to pressure, President Barack Obama intends to permit continued sale of individual insurance plans that have been canceled because they failed to meet coverage standards under the health care law, officials said Thursday. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

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Updated: December 24, 2013 6:04AM

The Obamacare Rollout is not President Obama’s Hurricane Katrina. It’s worse. It’s his Iraq War combined with an Iran-Contra Affair and an Iranian Embassy Crisis, all wrapped up in a big ol’ Vietnam.

But you know what? It’s worse than that. It’s his Watergate times two, plus six Lewinsky Affairs, and then squared by the Smoot-Hawley Tariff.

Is Obamacare Obama’s Teapot Dome Scandal? Oh man, Obama wishes! It’s more like three Teapot Dome scandals balanced on top of Truman-scolding-a-reporter-for-insulting-his-daughter’s-singing-abilities minus Carter-getting-chased-by-a-swimming-rabbit. Yeah, it’s that bad.

OK, if you really want to know what kind of situation Obama’s in, you need to go as far back as 1881, when James Garfield’s Star Route Scandal brought this country to its very knees.

Yep. I went there.

But brother, it’s even worse than that national nightmare. Obamacare’s botched rollout has no true cognate in the annals of American history. Not the XYZ Affair, not the Whitewater Controversy, and not the “Ma, Ma, Where’s My Pa?” scandal that destroyed not one but two non-consecutive Grover Cleveland administrations. (More like, “Ma, Ma, Where’s My Healthcare Plan That Obama Said I Could Keep?”)

The Obamacare Rollout, to be perfectly blunt, makes the Galphin Affair look like the Credit Mobilier Crisis.

Look abroad to find an executive-level scandal that is as bad as the Obamacare Rollout, and ye will only waste your time, matey. Nero may have fiddled when Rome burned, but you know what? (Heh heh heh.) That guy could really fiddle. Neville Chamberlain’s little chit-chat in Munich may not have gone quite as well as the good prime minister wished, but hey — sometimes things don’t shake out the way you want. And sure, I’ll grant you that Napoleon may have overreached by invading Russia during wintertime, but that little hiccup is more in the category of “You gotta throw stuff against the wall to see if it sticks.”

The Obamacare Rollout is, without hyperbole, the greatest scandal since March 12, 65,000,0003 B.C. when President Borg the Triceratops failed to prevent a comet from slamming into Planet Earth.

But if you ask me? The Obamacare Rollout is so much worse. At least Borg fired his Secretary of Health and Dinosaur Services, Kathleen Sebeliusaurus.

Dennis O’Toole is a Chicago writer.

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