Christopher “Brotha’ Fred” Frederick fears his dating blunders may come back to haunt him
I believe in karma. And while I know there are various interpretations of the term, I subscribe to the idea of “cause and effect” — when you do the world well, it will return the favor. Of course, the opposite is also true: When you’re not on your best behavior, the “powers that be” will seek retribution for those less-than-stellar moments … then watch and laugh.
For example: I have been single for a long time. Most of my life, in fact. While some people seem to constantly be in a relationship, I am consistently solo. So throughout the years, I’ve “sowed my oats” — and I’ve emerged from situations of questionable morality with nothing more than some emotional scars, a few nasty text messages and a broken heart or two of my own. OK, and some interesting new designs etched into the paint of my car. (I’ve apparently dated some talented artists — the word “a------” has never looked so fancy.) I tell people all the time that I’m certain karma will eventually repay me for my indiscretions in this area of my life.
Allow me to channel my inner Ms. Cleo to predict how I’ll be repaid:
1.) I’ll get married, one day.
2.) This mythical creature — my future wife — will agree to put up with me for seven to 10 years before leaving me for a pool boy (not my pool boy; I won’t be able to afford that.)
3.) She will bless my life with a child.
4.) She (and the kid will be a girl) will be a scientific marvel. She will emerge as a 13-year-old with a Sophia Vergara-esque physique (they develop quickly these days), PMSing and holding my maxed-out credit card in her hand.
5.) I’ll love her but loathe her 17-year-old boyfriend (how did they already meet on Facebook?). I’ll be forever grateful, but constantly challenged.
Of course, my expectations for the young man’s behavior will be far higher than those I (apparently) have for myself. That’s the good news: I have learned something.
The other good news? I think there might still be time for me, and for you, to change parts of our fate — starting right now. OK …there might be time for you. I might be in too deep.
But in the future, before you treat someone else in a manner which you’d hate to be treated, just imagine my non-existent kid and the pool boy with the wife I don’t yet have. I’m not saying that something bad will definitely happen to you if you don’t, but it wouldn’t hurt if we were all a little less selfish and entirely more altruistic in our daily lives.
Regardless of your stance on the matter, I still hope you enjoyed my fanciful, modern-day fable. I’ve even got a working title: “The Man, the Kid and the Alimony Payments.”
Christopher “Brotha’ Fred” Frederick donated his fee for writing this column to PAWS Chicago and the Medical Research Junior Board Foundation of Lurie’s Children’s Hospital.