Mother's Day gives stepmoms a chance to connect
FAMILIES | Mother's Day gives stepmoms a chance to connect with reluctant kids
It's called Mother's Day, not Stepmother's Day, but should there be a distinction? As blended families get more complicated, so do holidays like this. Some churches get around the question by honoring all women on Mother's Day. Card companies have invented "other mother" and "like a mother" categories.
Women like Betsy Storm make it look easy. Her kids are in their 20s. Her stepkids are in their 30s. And while she divorced their dad decades ago, they're still "one big happy."
(Al Podgorski/Sun-Times)
"My stepdaughter who lives in town will join us for a Mother's Day celebration at my daughter's house in Palatine," Storm says. "And if my stepdaughter's mom were going to be in town that day, we would all be celebrating together. No doubt about it."
It may seem unusual, but Storm refuses to give up on the people she most cares about. "Last week, for my stepdaughter's birthday, we all celebrated here at our house," says Storm, who lives on the Near West Side. Her husband and ex-husband were both at the table. "To have blended our family so well over the years has helped all of our children to feel the joy of a larger family," she says.
Messy divorces don't often have such civil endings, says relationships expert Jaci Rae. Both kinds of moms have expectations on Mother's Day. "However, most often the stepmother is overlooked," says Rae. "I know this from personal experience as well as clinical experience."
When there still are bruised feelings from a breakup, a birth parent might make kids feel like they have to choose a side. So the biological mom gets brunch, and the stepmom gets 24 hours of awkward. "The child is torn apart, and damage is done," Rae says.
To preempt any problems, Rae has a simple solution: Make Mother's Day about the children.
"The birth parents and the step-parents need to think of the needs and what is in the best interest of the child," she says. "Come to an understanding that perhaps on Mother's Day, the child visits with the birth mom, and that is what is correct. But if the birth mom also helps the child either make or purchase a card -- flowers, whatever -- for the stepmom, it will help the child feel more comfortable to love, as well as it will help that child not feel like they are betraying their birth parent."
Storm says continuing closeness doesn't just happen. "Not having an ongoing relationship with my stepdaughters was one of my worst divorce fears," she says. "I'd come to love them very much over the years."
She regularly hosts her ex-husband and her stepdaughters' mother for dinner. She makes it a habit to keep in touch by phone, send cards and gifts, and serve as a confidant on an as-needed basis.
"And when I remarried five years ago, my stepdaughters -- who had been the flower girls at my first wedding -- participated as the ushers at my second wedding," Storm says. "Talk about a new-style Hallmark moment."
Debbie Nigro is one of the founding partners of www.firstwivesworld.com, which is devoted to the 30 million women who transition through divorce in the United States. And she has a message for them: "Take the high road," she says.
The degree of difficulty has many variables: how the relationship ended, the age of the children, the distance between the two families, the personalities involved. If the kids don't want to honor their stepmother, you can't force it, she says. But at the very least, you can teach them about respect.
"Matters of the heart are difficult, especially when someone gets hurt," Nigro says. "I don't think anyone goes through divorce without feeling great emotion."
The first five or six years after her divorce were tough going, she admits. But the best thing biological mothers can do is forgive. "It took a long time to get mellow, you know?" she says. "Time heals. You have to think about your children more than yourself. They're the reason you're a mother."
Supermom Storm says her situation is possible for many people, but "certainly not for everyone," she acknowledges.
Her advice? "Look for the best in everybody and keep your eyes on the prize," she says. "A bigger family and more people to love and be loved by. Who doesn't want that?"
taking the first steps