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No joke: Jim Belushi isn’t pulling any punches

Jim Belushi | MariPonce for Sun-Times Media

Jim Belushi | Maria Ponce for Sun-Times Media

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Updated: February 8, 2013 7:12AM

Some men today have turned into women; they are constantly discussing their problems. And women reinforce it by telling men, over and over, that that’s what they want: someone who is cooperative, fair, considerate, wants to share and have discussions about things, saying, “Let’s work this out.”

But here’s the truth. Say you’re in a bar. Some guy starts talking to your girl, and she says, “I’m with somebody.” The guy calls her the “b” word. So you go, “Hey man, that’s not appropriate, that’s really hurtful, you shouldn’t talk to people like that, that’s not how community works,” I guarantee on the drive home your wife will say, “Why didn’t you stand up for me?” And your answer is, “I thought you liked it when people discussed their feelings. Discuss.”

I was at the House of Blues one time with my wife Jennifer (at that time, she was my girlfriend). This guy was talking to her, I didn’t blame him, she’s a hottie, and I was talking to some other people, but always with an eye on my girl. And, you know, he was one of those handsy kinds of guys. Put his hand on her shoulder when he was laughing, grabbed her arm when he was trying to make a point. “OK,” I was thinking, “That was two touches. One more and he’s toast.” He put his hand on her shoulder again, and I come over to him. I said, laughing, “Hey, you touch her one more time and I’m going to beat you.” He laughed, thought I was joking. I said, “No, not a joke my friend. Keep your damn hands off my girl.”

After we left, Jennifer went on and on in the car: “That’s not how you handle differences. He was just being friendly. We were just talking. I can handle myself.” And I said, “If anyone ever touches you like that, I will beat them.” She said, “You are an animal.” I said, “Yes, I am. You entered the animal kingdom when you entered my life.”

“You’re crazy. You are just crazy,” she said. “Yes, I am. I’m crazy for you. And I will protect you always, from slimy guys and rude jerks and from the dangerous mayhems of life.” She went silent and acted mad. She told all her girlfriends about it. It’s been one of her favorite stories for years. And in the story, you can always hear between the lines, “My man loves me. He will always protect me. He’s a man. A stupid, stupid man. And I love him.”

Women want to know that their men will protect the cave and everything in it: them, their children, their homes. Women need to feel safe. Otherwise, they lose respect for you. The relationship will slowly disintegrate. Look, I’m not saying to beat up any guy who goes near your girl, but you should be willing to. Don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourself, because that’s what men do best.

I believe men in relationships should constantly make sure that their wives feel pretty and loved. Our wives don’t want best friends. They say they do, but no, they want men. They want a husband. They want a father for their children. They want a lover. Given the opportunity, every woman will try to make their man into their best friend, like their cousin, their buddy. And that kind of thinking slowly takes the edge out of the relationship.

Remember: Women don’t sleep with their best friends, their cousins or their buddies. They will sleep with a man who makes them feel safe, protected and loved. You can thank me later.

Jim Belushi donated his fee for this column to the Chilmark Fire Department.

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