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Jim Belushi: In my 50s, I’m a pill popper



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Updated: July 3, 2012 11:54AM

Being in my mid-50s now, I’ve come to a realization: I’m a pill popper. I’ve got gout, so I take Allopurinol twice a day. I take Propecia for my hair. I take a baby aspirin because my doctor says, “It’s time.” I take all that in the morning. From the constant running, racquetball and general sports as an adult, my knees and shoulders tend to hurt. So I take a Celebrex from time to time. Can’t sleep: Ambien. Allergies: antihistamine. Chest cold: Z-Pak. I also take eight vitamins a day. Still a pill! So I have a little song I sing every night as I’m lining my pills up. You know the song “I’m a Girl Watcher”? Well, it goes like this: “I’m a pill popper, I’m a pill popper. Watching pills go by, my my my. I’m a pill popper, I’m a pill popper. Here comes one now. GULP GULP GULP GULP.”

Our generation has moved from a pot-smoking, beer-drinking, tequila-shot-taking, frat-boy attitude to pill-taking that doesn’t even get you high.

I left Chicago many years ago to move to California. You can’t help but live a healthy lifestyle here if you want to fit in. I find myself eating chicken and salad and chicken and salad and salad and chicken, like a monk. When I come to Chicago, I gorge myself. I get off the plane and start with Gene and Jude’s for two hot dogs with everything, swing by The Fudge Pot for a taffy apple and a turtle, chocolate clusters at Sarah’s Pastries and Candies and steak at Smith and Wollensky. I find time for Gino’s pizza within the next 12 hours. By then, I am dancing in the streets, singing blues at Blues on Halsted, like a happy Buddha rubbing his gorged belly. Then on my way to the airport, I have to stop and pick up two double-dipped Italian beefs from Portillo’s. Did you know they have a drive-through? A limo will fit through it!

I take more pills in Chicago than I do in California. More digestion aids, sleep aids, bowel aids. And if I stay 72 more hours in Chicago, I have to add an insulin shot, a Lipitor pill, a Levatol pill and an Adderall for the hangover. I come back to California and have to eat salad and chicken and chicken and salad just to balance my body. Although I still need to take that Prevacid for all the California wine.

So I am proposing a website: © . This website would be for the “pill-anoid” man or woman. Doctors get inundated with calls saying, “Hey doc, I just saw a commercial with a middle-aged guy and a hot chick. What’s Cialis about? I want that chick! Will Cialis get her for me? I am peeing too much. I want Flomax. I’m going bald. Give me some Propecia. But will that hurt my erection?” (Oh, right, I’m sorry. Viagra is a pill too, isn’t it?)

Now I, and many of my friends, have “pill-anoia.”
On this new website, © , you can type in all your prescribed medications and/or what you propose to consume that day or evening and our 25 specialists will be waiting to answer your questions immediately on what is safe to combine, if you’ll die, if you’ll lose your erection, if your wife will lose her sex drive or if you’ll be unable to take your morning dump. But mostly, it’s about the erection.

Writing this article has given me a deep sense of anxiety. I think I’m going to go upstairs and take a Xanax.

Jim Belushi donated his $1,000 fee for writing this column to the Chilmark
Community Church.

Editor’s note: This column should have noted that Belushi is in a gout awareness campaign sponsored by Savient Pharmaceuticals.

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