Updated: March 18, 2014 4:15PM
I just read a survey that said that 22 percent of people have been dumped on Valentine’s Day. Does Hallmark make a card that says, “Roses are red/Violets are blue/Happy Valentine’s Day/I’m over you.”
Here are some of the other ways you’ve learned it was over . . .
. . . he started taking the dog for long walks at night. After showering.
. . . when Nick Newman on “Y and R” was more important to her than I was, even on vacation.
. . . when I had to sit alone in the back seat of the car on the way to our wedding. He and his dad rode in the front.
. . . when she went outside to pick up the newspaper and left the sports section in the driveway.
. . . when I pulled into the garage and was glad his car wasn’t there.
. . . when I won a free trip to Hawaii for two and he said, “Why don’t you take your mother?” I knew it was really over when I realized it was a great idea.
. . . when she took her clothes to the cleaners and never asked me if I had anything that needed to go.
. . . when I drove 30 minutes from the suburbs to deliver some leftovers to my poor, overworked medical student boyfriend and when he saw me he said, “Oh. Do you want to come in?”
. . . when I found his old girlfriend’s new phone number on his kitchen counter.
. . . when she stopped closing the bathroom door.
. . . when his idea of Saturday afternoon was me watching him wash and wax his car.
. . . when she started talking nicely about her ex-husband.
. . . when during square dance class his eyes went flat and dead when he danced with me but lit up and sparkled when he danced with someone else.
. . . when my key didn’t fit in the lock.
. . . when I told him, “I’ve heard that joke.”
. . . when she asked me how I felt about people with herpes.
. . . when I looked at him and thought, “God, are you fat!”
. . . when she fell asleep during a porno flick.
. . . when I stopped faking it and he didn’t notice.
. . . when I stopped holding in my stomach.
. . . when I finally told him what I like during sex and he still didn’t do it.
. . . when she beat me at arm wrestling.
. . . when he watched me move a dresser by myself and didn’t budge. I was five months pregnant.
. . . when her son asked me if he could call me Daddy.
. . . when she asked me if she could leave a few things at my apartment.
. . . when she started wearing flannel pajamas to bed.”
. . . when I opened the mail and there were divorce papers from my husband.”
. . . when I heard a message on her answering machine from a man asking, ‘Have you told him yet?’ ”
“I knew it was over . . .” Fill in the blank and send it, along with your questions, problems and rants to firstname.lastname@example.org. And check out my new website askcheryl.net. Creators Syndicate