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Distance speaks volumes

Updated: July 19, 2013 3:26PM



Dear Cheryl: I’ve known this man for a while. In the last two months, we’ve become really good friends and have been intimate on several occasions. We’re both divorced and recently out of bad relationships. He asked me to move in with him, but he said he would never marry again. I don’t think I would either.

Right now we just spend weekends together. I would love to move in with him, but a week ago, he told me he was offered a job three states away. He has several months to decide. He hasn’t asked me to move with him. All my life, I’ve given my heart to men and been hurt by them. This man makes me very happy. I don’t want to lose him and I don’t know what to do.

A: If this man wants you in his life, he has a few options. He can refuse the job or he can ask you to move with him or he can ask for a long-distance relationship. If he doesn’t suggest any of them, then he isn’t as into you as you are to him and you’re lucky to find out now, before you’re in too deep.

Now, what about those options? If he doesn’t accept the job, please make sure it isn’t entirely because of you. That’s way too much responsibility and pressure. If he asks you to move with him, think two or three or four times. You two don’t really know each other that well. It’s a very high-risk move. I’m afraid you’ll be setting yourself up for more hurt, this time in a strange city with no friends or family.

The best option — and it’s never a good one — is a long-distance relationship until you’re both sure of how you feel about the other.

Dear Cheryl: Before we married, I warned my fiancee, who is 22 years younger, that there might come a time when she felt she was too young for me and that that would be disastrous for the children we wanted to have. She assured me that would never happen.

After our first two children were born, seven years into the marriage, she had an affair and contracted a sexually transmitted disease. I had to take antibiotics. I told her I would not excuse infidelity a second time.

Three years later, we were blessed with a third child. Her second infidelity began after 11 years of marriage, and she got another STD. I had to take an antibiotic again. My children are 9, 12 and 14. I’m divorcing my wife.

My question is, did she consider that if she had contracted HIV from her lovers and gave it to me, our children might be orphans?

A: I’m pretty sure she didn’t. You and the kids were probably the last thing on her mind when she was cheating.

I get that you’re angry and feel betrayed and you have every right to those feelings. But, please, don’t share them with your children. Your soon-to-be-ex-wife is still their mother. Bad-mouthing her won’t hurt her, but it will devastate them.

Write to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com.



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