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Racism’s a dating deal-breaker

Updated: July 19, 2013 3:26PM

Paula Deen says she’s not a racist.

Yet, when she was asked in a deposition if she ever used “the n-word,” she replied, “Yes, of course.”

As in, “Doesn’t everyone?”

What if you found out the person you were dating called blacks the n-word, referred to Mexicans as “beaners,” and used derogatory terms for Jews, Italians, Poles, Irish and gays without thinking twice?

GAIL: We met at a bar and he asked me to dinner. He had a friend with him and Stu didn’t want to abandon him, so all three of us went to a restaurant.

Everything was going smoothly until my date’s friend made a mocking and derisive comment about “all those Jews.” I calmly and quietly said, “Do you realize that you’re talking to one of them right now?” He looked like he wished a hole would open up at his feet. Since it didn’t, he remained where he was.

But I decided to leave. True, it wasn’t my date who had made the insulting remark, but neither did he reprimand or even chide his friend. I took a cab and went home alone, glad to be rid of both of them.

RIKKI: My husband swears he’s not a racist and I don’t believe he is. He actually has some black friends and he voted for Obama. But he still tells racist jokes occasionally and sometimes uses derogatory terms.

I’ve told him how much it bothers me and he told me to “lighten up.” Now, I ignore it. I think part of the reason he does it is to get a rise out of me, and I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. But it still bothers me.

LEIGH: I moved recently. My old friends were mainly Democrats and liberal. My new friends are mainly Republicans and conservative. I hate to talk in stereotypes, but I find 100 times more casual racism among my new friends than my old. And these are intelligent, educated, well-read, sophisticated people. They have no idea how ignorant they sound. Nor do they care.

MADELYN: I used to be friends with a single woman. We shared similar interests and had a lot to talk about. However, she kept asking me to go to places like singles bars with her. I always declined because I’m married, and my husband wouldn’t be too thrilled about that. Also I suspected she might be a lesbian asking for a date.

The last time I turned her down, she put a post insulting my ethnic group on the wall of my Facebook page. I thought she must not understand how it sounded, so I told her why her post was offensive and hurtful. She came back with a ranting diatribe that was so awful I’m still upset when I recall it. Of course, I unfriended her, and now she’s acting like she can’t understand why.

What also disturbs me is that she’s a recently retired Army officer. It makes the whole U.S. military look bad that such a racist was promoted. I can’t believe she kept it secret all those years.

Have you ever dated a racist? How did you find out? What did you do? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants, to

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