What to do when husband rages
Some favor divorce, others modification
We recently heard from Torn. She's been married for seven years, has a 2-year-old and another on the way. In the past year, her husband was fired and the family moved.
"The stress," she said, "has been enormous."
Her husband has always been verbally abusive when he's under stress, but he was improving until the move. Now he rages on the weekends.
"During the week, we get along fine. The verbal harangues start on Saturday morning."
I suggested that every Friday night, she and her husband make a plan for the weekend with family time, couple time and alone time.
"Then make a list of triggers that set him off and ways for you to avoid them and ways for him to deal with them. There are behavior modification tricks -- some as simple as wearing a rubber band and snapping it when he's upset -- that help."
Here's what you had to say:
DR. BRYCE: Assuming that we're dealing with an immature individual and not a psychotic, raging is a habit and can be controlled.
All too frequently, the rage is tolerated because of the mistaken impression that it will escalate if a firm halt is issued. Something like: "Stop! I will not put up with another moment of this abuse!"
Rage is often accompanied by guilt. The lack of self-control becomes a reason to continue the raging. If it's caught early, a calm reminder -- "We're not going there!" -- might be enough to stop it.
It takes guts to require respect and peace. Being intimidated by raging allows the old habit to dominate.
RIDER: Torn has to lock her husband out of the house when he rages, and you advise snapping a rubber band? What are you thinking?
He's not going to change and will probably get worse. Your response to this poor woman should have been to divorce his ass.
KELLY: I am a licensed clinical professional counselor who specializes in domestic violence. Your response to Torn was one I'm accustomed to but wish to respectfully refute. Torn's husband is exhibiting classic abusive behavior. Perpetrators often escalate their abusive behavior when a partner is pregnant and less likely to leave.
His behavior is his responsibility, not hers. Advising her to make a list of triggers so she can avoid them is suggesting that she's responsible for his behavior. Likewise, advising her to find a way to stop his behavior before it escalates puts the responsibility of his rages on her, not on him, where it belongs.
Torn is under the same stress as her husband, as well as being pregnant! Yet she refrains from verbal abuse and escalating into rages. Abusiveness is a choice, not a coping mechanism.
She needs to know that her husband's behavior is likely to escalate without proper intervention. There are programs and organizations that can help each of them. She also should consider obtaining an order of protection. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
(I respectfully disagree with Kelly. Of course Torn's husband's behavior is ultimately his responsibility. But why shouldn't she try to help him?
If he were an overeater, would she keep Twinkies in the house? If he hated to exercise, wouldn't she encourage him?
I agree with Dr. Bryce. Raging is a habit. If Torn can help her husband break his habit, they'll have a happier home and life.)
What's the difference between yelling during an argument and verbal abuse? Send your tale to cheryllavin@aol. com. Lavin blogs at www.tales fromthefront.com. Distributed by Creators Syndicate.