Double standard? No, just 2 letters
Man-haters meeting can wait till next time
Two letters that recently ran together and my responses have given fuel to the vast Lavin-Hates-Men conspiracy.
The first was from a woman whose 56-year-old fiance (who has cheated in the past) is friends with a pretty 31-year-old girl.
The girl calls him at home and at work. He does favors for her and has a picture of her on his computer. (He doesn't have one of his fiance.)
She didn't like it, and neither did I.
I wrote, "I can't think of one good reason for these two to be friends, but a whole lot of bad ones."
The second letter was from Friendly, a divorced woman in her mid-40s. She's not interested in a committed relationship, but needs a little TLC once in a while.
She has several "friends with benefits" and wondered if that made her a slut.
I told her she wasn't a slut, just a "smart, resourceful woman who's figured out what works for her at this point in her life."
Here's what some men had to say:
DAVID: The man has a mentoring relationship with a lady 25 years his junior. No sex is involved. The young lady obviously didn't have a positive male role model when she was growing up, and now she's looking for affirmation and attention from an older male -- something not uncommon in our society.
It really seems like a double standard when you think a middle-aged man should break off a relationship with a woman he's mentoring and then tell a middle-aged woman to go ahead and have as many FWBs as she likes.
If a woman wants to have multiple sexual partners, that's OK, but if man has a female friend, that's not OK because his fiance doesn't like it.
CHARLES: I've been married for 28 years, and I've only had sex with one woman -- my wife. By her own admission, Friendly has had at least five sexual partners. I bet the number is much higher.
She thinks that her sexual encounters come with no "baggage." She needs to realize that her behavior is destructive and will not lead to emotional fulfillment or a stable, healthy relationship. She says she's looking for TLC, but true tender loving care is about sacrificing to meet the needs of another. There's so much more to a relationship than just appearances and sex.
My heart goes out to her because she's obviously searching for a meaningful relationship but is going about it in a destructive manner.
FRANK: You can't think of one good reason why the 56-year-old fiance should continue a friendship with a 31-year-old woman? I can think of several.
Maybe he's not as close as he'd like with his own kids and appreciates the chance to mentor someone he clicks with. Maybe the tension and flirty energy in his relationship with the 31-year-old helps his relationship with his fiance. Maybe some men have a foolish-but-unchangeable need to have at least one relationship/motorcycle/dog that the missus cannot stand.
If the letter writer can't handle her fiance's relationship, could it signal that she's not ready to commit her life to this guy as he is today?
RON: The fiance isn't keeping anything a secret, so why should he end his friendship? If a man told his fiance to end a relationship, you'd call him controlling. And if a man had FWBs, you'd call him low-down dog.
Do you have FWBs? How's that working for you? Send your tale to cheryllavin@ aol.com. Lavin blogs at www.talesfromthefront.com. Distributed by Creators Syndicate Inc.