Updated: December 1, 2012 6:14AM
Pears and pregnancy tests. You wouldn’t think they had much in common — other than the letter P — but in today’s column, they both mean, “See ya. Bye!”
DOUG: I knew it was over when we exchanged Christmas gifts. We’d only been dating for less than two months. She was a doctor. I was a teacher.
We both loved Music of the Baroque, and I’d always gone to their Christmas performances. She told me she already had tickets. I thought, “Great!”
She was going back home to New York to spend the holidays with her folks the day after the concert. So, I planned a nice little after-concert repast at Pops for Champagne, a very classy place. I assumed she’d get me something for Christmas, and I really did like her, so I picked out a few really beautiful little gifts, which I planned on giving her when we got back to her place.
My gifts to her were all beautifully wrapped and they all fit in the many pockets of my overcoat. It was a perfect winter night, with a light snow falling as we walked back to her apartment. We were snuggling up to each other all the way.
We got back to her place and started a fire. I lined up the little boxes on the mantle and her eyes lit up! She said, “I’ll be right back, I have something for you, too!” She returned with a brown paper bag (“Cute,” I thought) and said, “The concert was your gift, but I want you to have these, too.”
And inside the bag were ... pears. Beautiful pears, but seriously? Fruit? I have a brother who’s a doctor, and he gets tons of fruit baskets every year from his medical distributors.
I was so proud of the gifts I’d chosen. I’d really tried to get her things she’d treasure, and she gave me fruit. Yeah, it was over.
Doug, Doug, Doug. I’m not sure I’m with you on this. I’m guessing the concert tickets, which probably cost around $100, were her one and only intended gift to you. (Why would you assume otherwise?) But when she saw the beautiful array of gifts you’d gotten her, she was embarrassed and foolishly pulled some pears out of a fruit basket and put them in a paper bag.
How long ago did this happen? Would you consider giving her a second chance? This might be the story you’ll tell your grandkids one day. Just a thought ...
RONNIE: I knew it was over with my wife when I found a pregnancy test in our house. We had not been sexually active, and I’d had a vasectomy.
When I confronted her about it, she said she takes one every six months to make sure there’s no possibility of me getting her pregnant, but, as I said, we hadn’t been intimate.
And then I checked the phone bill and saw she had been talking to her old boyfriend from high school. She couldn’t deny making the calls, but she tried to spin it and say he was stalking her, and she was just checking up on him. But it was such an obvious lie. Most of the calls occurred either as soon as I left for work in the morning, or right before I came home from work at night.
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