Updated: July 27, 2012 6:05AM
David needs our help.
He’s not having much luck with his profile on match.com. He says he expected “indifference,” but he’s getting outright “hostility.”
“I’m like a little puppy dog with my tongue hanging out, saying, ‘buy me,’ ‘buy me.’ Then I get a response that says, ‘Go to hell.’ ” David admits he’s a “silly” man and he’s an acquired taste, “like Brussels sprouts.”
Here’s a little about David: He’s Catholic, never married, has no kids and doesn’t want kids but doesn’t mind if his partner has them. He’s white, weighs a few extra pounds, is 6 feet 4 inches tall, has brown hair and gray eyes, doesn’t smoke, drinks socially and is “middle-of-the-road” politically.
His astrological sign is Cancer.
Here’s a bit of what he says about himself:
“I figure if I’m very lucky, I have one last shot at the brass ring. I don’t have 10 years to prove I’m not a jerk like your ex. I don’t have five years to prove that you’re better off with a man in your life than not. In five years, I will be like a dog that chases cars. If I caught one, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.
“I am at an awkward stage in my life. My brain says, ‘I can do that’ while my body says, ‘What the hell are you doing?’
“I will never respond to a woman whose idea of roughing it is to stay at a four-star hotel instead of five. I will never respond to a woman who loves dancing, unless her profile indicates ‘extreme patience,’ and she is willing to teach me. All my shoes have an ‘L’ or an ‘R’ marked on them.
“I will never respond to a woman who expects me to have a trapeze in the bedroom. I sold mine years ago on eBay and no longer use the handle ‘StudMuffin.’ I will not respond to a woman who wants to bring her mother or wedding planner on the first date. I can only afford one extra meal.
“I will never show up on our first date with a checklist. At the end of the dinner, I will never say, ‘You scored an 82. You need at least an 85 for me to continue seeing you.’
“I don’t know where I’m going or where I’ll wind up, but I will enjoy every minute of it. I’m looking for a woman who will upset my ‘well- ordered’ life (Isn’t that the definition of marriage?), and I will enjoy every minute of it.”
Not only is David not getting much of a response, his few dates haven’t gone very well. He says so many of his dates told him to take a hike that he joined “The Forest Trails Hiking Club.”
David is lonely. “One of the reasons I joined a dating website was I was looking for a dinner partner,” he says. “I don’t like to eat alone. Frankly, I bore myself. I know my stories, and I cannot laugh at my jokes because I know the punch- lines.”
What advice do you have for David?
With the presidential election five months away, what effect are politics having on your relationship? Send your tale to firstname.lastname@example.org.