Valentine’s Day? Bah, humbug!

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Updated: March 10, 2012 8:13AM

Does anybody over 16 really look forward to Valentine’s Day?

Do overpriced roses really say, “I love you”?

Does a Hallmark card that costs more than a gallon of milk really make up for bad behavior?

If the Grinch stole Christmas, then I’m happy to be the Vrinch who stole Valentine’s Day. And I’m not alone in my dislike for this made-up day. (Festivus, anyone?)

KAREN: The tone for all my future Valentine’s Days was set when I was 23 and dating a guy I was really in love with. He told me he had made reservations for us at a fancy French restaurant. We got there and the maitre d’ said there was no reservation in our name.

But he was able to squeeze a small table into a smaller space between the men’s room and the kitchen. It was so close to the former, I could literally hear the toilets flush!

We ordered our dinner and a bottle of wine. The waiter came back after 15 minutes to tell us they were out of everything we ordered and only had one appetizer: escargots — snails! They also only had one entree: coq au vin — chicken. I don’t eat snails, and chicken was not my idea of a fancy dinner, but oh, well.

We didn’t know much about wine, but we were suspicious when it came already open and tasted like vinegar. We were too intimidated to send it back and barely touched it.

Over dessert — chocolate mousse with skin on it suspiciously like my mother’s chocolate pudding made from a Jell-O mix — my boyfriend broke up with me. When the check came, he said he left his wallet at home, and I got stuck paying the bill. On my way out of the restaurant, I twisted my ankle and broke the heel of one of my favorite shoes.

Since then, my favorite Valentine’s Days are spent alone with a few DVDs, a good bottle of wine and a giant bowl of popcorn.

JAYCEE: My divorce was final on Valentine’s Day.

HARVEY: The best course of action for Valentine’s Day is to ignore it and treat it like any other day of the week. It’s fake, commercialized and way too overloaded with ridiculous expectations of “romance” that are overpriced and generally meaningless once the day is over.

Not to mention that, for the most part, it’s entirely one-sided in favor of women. Men are expected to empty their wallets for presents, meals, hotel rooms and possibly even travel. All women are expected to do is take advantage of it, perhaps complain that it wasn’t as “romantic” as they had hoped, and then wait a year for a hopefully even more expensive repeat.

The result is that the price of everything associated with the day is jacked up, and restaurants are overcrowded and cycle people through as fast as possible. Regardless of what a man does, it’s never adequate.

Finally, I don’t know anybody who has ever had sex on Valentine’s Day. Apparently, women don’t want to “ruin” such an event by getting their hair and makeup all messy.

Practical people swing by Costco for some discount flowers (not roses), pop a rib roast in the oven and call it good enough.

And how have your Valentine’s Days been? Send your tale to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com.

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