The problem with personalized vows
By BETSY HART www.betsysblog.com July 31, 2012 9:36AM
Minister with couple at outdoor wedding
Updated: September 2, 2012 6:04AM
So let’s get personal. About personally worded wedding vows, that is. Here’s a real-world example from Brides.com (edited for space):
From a bride, to her groom:
You have made me feel more loved than I ever thought possible . I choose you today. And I would choose you again tomorrow. I would go on choosing you the day after, and every day for the rest of our lives.
loved than I ever thought possible .
I choose you today. And I
would choose you again tomorrow.
I would go on choosing you the day
after, and every day for the rest
of our lives.
So what have I to offer you? The promise to take you as my only love from this day forward, and to embark on a journey full of adventure and wonder.
The promise to take you as my
only love from this day forward,
and to embark on a journey full
of adventure and wonder.
But until recently, I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. Then my fiancee and I started talking about our own fall wedding and the vows we would take, and I looked at the question head-on.
A friend helped me to clarify why personalized vows make me flinch: They typically make the commitment of marriage about one’s feelings for the other person right now, not about a covenant promise before God for when the feelings aren’t there: It may be cute at the moment that a bride is the only one laughing at her own jokes, but there will come a time when that same trait sets her husband’s teeth on edge and “forever” starts to seem like a really long time — and, by the way, what about the days when she is not so kind or beautiful?
And there will come a day, maybe a season of them, when the bride here doesn’t feel loved by her man at all at that moment, and wouldn’t choose him again. So just what happens if that promised “journey of adventure” becomes one of sick children and working at a job he or she isn’t crazy about for years at time?
Getting through such realities is exactly why one makes a legal commitment to marriage in the first place.
Those speaking such things during their wedding ceremonies may be setting themselves up for disappointment.
Any doubts? Consider these tips for writing your own vows from About.com:
† What is the single greatest thing about the person you are going to marry?
† When you were little, did you dream of your wedding day or your future spouse? How does that vision match up (or not) with your sweetheart?
How does the person you are marrying match up to your childhood dream?
Yeah, that’s a healthy picture to have in your mind 10 years into marriage when you and your spouse are fighting about credit-card bills! (That’s when you will be focusing for sure on how he or she doesn’t match up.)
I loved being married, and some eight years after my unwanted divorce I can’t wait to marry Tom this fall.
I’ve never loved anyone like him or known anyone as brilliant, tender or funny. You can bet all of that will be in our toasts on our wedding day.
But such sentiments won’t be in our vows, because our promise to each other is not, thank goodness, based on any of these things. Even the word “love” in traditional vows was once understood to be more about doing than feeling.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of God and in the presence of these witnesses to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is an honorable estate and is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, discreetly and in respect for God.”
Such traditional vows don’t depend on Tom and me pleasing each other (though we will try to do just that!).
They depend on our promises before God to do certain things. Period.
And that’s something we have no objection to.
Scripps Howard News Service