Too many singles hold fear of divorce

BY DR. LAURA BERMAN drberman@bermancenter.com January 3, 2012 2:49PM

Updated: January 4, 2012 1:41PM

T he marriage rate is at a record low in this country, and a new study from Cornell University might have found the reason why.

According to the study, two-thirds of cohabitating couples report that they fear divorce and the financial, legal, and emotional ramifications of a failed marriage. Fears such as these might prevent couples from tying the knot, particularly for younger generations who might have experienced the pain of divorce firsthand within their childhood homes.

While marriage should never be entered into lightly, there are some occasions in which fear of divorce can impede your happiness or block your commitment to your partner. If you are bogged down in divorce phobia, consider the following:

Examine your past. As mentioned above, many children who witnessed their parents’ painful divorces might later become hesitant of marriage in their own adulthood. A front-row seat to the deterioration of a relationship can be very traumatic, especially if the situation involved infidelity or abuse.

In cases such as these, therapy can be useful, as can plenty of communication with your partner. For example, you might say, “I know this is my own baggage talking, but I am feeling really overwhelmed and anxious right now. Can I have some time to take a walk and collect my thoughts?”

Be realistic about the possibility of marriage. If your relationship is otherwise happy, you might wonder why marriage is even necessary. And certainly many couples enjoy deep relationships without ever needing a marriage certificate. Yet if your partner wants to tie the knot, you must be realistic about whether that is something you want to do. Alternatively, if your partner has made it clear that marriage isn’t in his future, don’t expect to win him over.

Create your own happy ending. Maybe you don’t want to get married because you fear you will transform into a warped version of your parents, or that you will lose your identity. Yet you shouldn’t let fears such as this color your decisions. You and your partner aren’t your parents and you have the ability to create your own version of connubial bliss. And perhaps your version of that will not involve a marriage certificate at all.

Marriage certainly isn’t always a happy and fulfilling long-term relationship and it’s not for everyone. However, if your resistance to marriage is based on fear rather than happiness, those nagging fears and “what if’s” can ruin your relationship.

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