All that family togetherness calls for survival strategies

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Updated: December 19, 2011 5:58PM

As blissful as the holiday season can be, days of family togetherness can sometimes make you wish that you were as far away as the North Pole.

 Consider the following holiday survival guide:

Get out of your persona. Have you ever noticed that when you are around your family you tend to slip right back into your 14-year-old persona? Instead of being your usual rational and pleasant self, you find yourself swearing under your breath and “accidentally” kicking your sister underneath the dinner table. Families can do this to the best of us because most of us adopted very specific personas during our childhood. We did this as a way to cope with stress and also as a way to establish our identities in the family and receive attention and love.

It is hard to get out of these personas because most of us have perfected these roles over many years or even decades. For example, if you have a “big sister” persona it might be hard for you to take your caring, authoritative role down a notch and allow other people to work out their own issues. No matter what your persona, it’s important to realize that old routines such as these are destructive and ultimately useless when it comes to resolving conflict.

Get yourself prepared ahead of time. Make a clear intention to avoid getting stuck in those old patterns when the typical triggers occur. You can use your partner as an ally. Make a code word in case you don’t notice you are starting to slip and a drama is brewing. Then you can excuse yourself, take a breath and shift, whether that means going upstairs for a moment and punching a pillow. Other activities like going for a jog or even doing a crazy dance around the bathroom can you help to create a mental shift and avoid a meltdown.

Stay connected to your partner. Instead of allowing your family drama to drive a wedge between you and your partner, come to the holiday season with teamwork in mind. Not only does this mean not snapping at each other over Christmas shopping, but it also means being allies for one another in family situations. You also can stay connected sexually even if it means grabbing a few private moments in the car to make out or maybe a romantic walk to enjoy the neighborhood holiday lights.

Let go of perfectionism. We all get sucked into the idea of the perfect holiday and hold ourselves responsible for creating it. Instead of doing what we really want to do, we get caught up doing things we think we “should” do, whether it is baking for hours or commuting to three different family dinners in one day.

 What’s the solution? Let go of the “shoulds”! If you want to skip holiday cooking in favor of relaxing with the kids in front of a Christmas movie, then save yourself the muss and fuss and visit a bakery for your gingerbread fix. If you want to limit your travel time and stressful commute, tell your in-laws that you will miss dinner but you will be there for dessert and coffee once the kids have finished opening their gifts.

Instead of feeling harried and unappreciated, you will feel calm, relaxed, and in the holiday spirit. And that’s the best gift Santa can give!

Dr. Berman is a New York Times best-selling author and her television shows, “In The Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman” and “The Dr. Laura Berman Show,” are featured on OWN, the Oprah Winfrey Network.