Faking the big O hurts women and their partners

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Updated: December 3, 2011 8:07AM

Cosmopolitan magazine recently designated Nov. 4 “Don’t Fake It” Day. As someone who has long believed that every day should be “Don’t Fake It Day,” I am excited to see this campaign take off across the country.

When it comes to faking it, the statistics are disturbing. Around two-thirds of women have faked orgasm at some point in their sex lives, and many women do so on an ongoing basis. So why are so many women faking, and what can couples do to rectify this issue?

The main reason that women fake is due to what I call the “mercy fake.” This is when women fake climax out of the goodness of their hearts. They don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings or make them feel inadequate, especially when they are trying so hard! Most men agree that pleasing their partners is the most important part of sex. (Believe it or not, his biggest turn-on is knowing that he is turning you on.)

Another common reason that women fake is because they believe that orgasm simply isn’t going to happen for them in that particular encounter, so they fake it just to speed up the action and reach the finish line. And, truthfully, there are times that orgasm might not happen, whether it is because you are too tired, stressed, distracted, even just because you had too much wine at dinner. Hormones and other physiological factors also might play a role as does your kegel strength. At certain times of the month, you might be less orgasmic than usual. Some medications also can affect orgasmic potential. Even diet and other lifestyle habits factor in, so if you have been hitting the buffet too hard and skipping the gym, your sexual response might be less intense.

However, regardless of why, faking it is not a solution. Not only are you cheating yourself out of pleasure and denying your own sexual needs, but you are being dishonest with your partner. Though your intentions are good, deception and dishonesty have no role in a healthy relationship, especially when it comes to the bedroom. As I mentioned earlier, your partner wants to please you, and when you deny him the right to do so you chip away at the essential bond between the two of you.

Additionally, since your needs are not being met, you will likely find yourself more tense and irritable with him in the long run. It is not uncommon for women to quietly resent their partners for not fulfilling them, even though she is doing everything in her power to convince him that she is fulfilled. Talk about a vicious cycle! This is why lies (even the little white ones) have no place in your relationship.

So what should you do if you have been faking? Consider the following:

Don’t bare hurtful details. You don’t have to barge into the room and tell your partner that you have been faking it since he couldn’t find your hot spots even with a GPS. Instead, say something like “I love it when we spend time on foreplay” or “It really turns me on when you [kiss me, stroke me, etc.].” If you ask for what you want, you will get much better results than if you simply talk about what you don’t want.

Be honest. Like I said before, sometimes the big O just isn’t going to happen. If you have tried every trick in the book but you are too tired to make it happen, it’s OK. Sex doesn’t always end in orgasm every time. Sometimes men have a hard time reaching orgasm, and 25 percent of men say they have faked it in the past. When men fake it’s often for the same reasons that women do, along with not wanting to appear un-masculine or less than virile. Instead of faking or playing such games, why not say something such as, “That feels so good but my body is just a little off right now. Can we try again tomorrow when I am up to speed again?”

Practice makes perfect. You know the saying, “If you fail, try, try again”? Yep, that definitely applies to orgasms and amazing sex. So, go ahead, make tonight a “Don’t Fake It” Night!