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Bossy women miss out in the bedroom

Updated: January 23, 2012 3:38AM

A recent study performed by Johns Hopkins University is causing quite a stir among couples everywhere. Researchers surveyed thousands of couples, and according to the findings, the more autonomous and dominant a woman was outside the bedroom, the less likely she was to have sex and the longer it was since she last had sexual intercourse.

The findings suggest that women who make a bulk of the household decisions outside the bedroom are likely to experience less physical intimacy inside the bedroom. The research makes sense when you consider the fact that a woman who makes all the household decisions is likely to be harried and overworked, as well as annoyed at her partner if she blames him for not being more helpful to her. No wonder women aren’t in the mood after all that stress!

Consider the following:

Your spouse isn’t one of your kids. It’s easy to feel frustrated when your partner doesn’t do things exactly the way you do them, whether that means folding the towels lengthwise or letting the kids have peanut butter straight out of the jar for dinner. Yet when you go on the attack and reprimand him (especially in front of the children), you chip away at your bond and at his masculinity. He doesn’t feel like an equal partner and a desirable, strong mate, but a silly child who is being scolded for doing things differently than you ordered. This is definitely not a sexy feeling, and it won’t have him reaching for you later in the night.

Not to mention, you won’t be in an amorous mood, either. When you infantilize your mate, you not only insult him, you also make him less masculine and desirable in your own eyes (which means you won’t be as turned on by him). Additionally, by treating him like a child, you cause him to accept less responsibility, which only makes him less capable and powerful in your eyes.

Communication is as simple as you make it. Part of the problem is that women hold in their needs and expect their partners to be mind readers. As he walks around the house getting on your last nerve, you may be running around behind him, “fixing” everything he touches and muttering under your breath. Why not just throw on the brakes and make your needs known plainly and kindly, such as “The counter has crumbs on it from your toast. Can you wipe it down for me while I help the kids get their shoes on?” Keep in mind that you are talking to your partner and your lover, not one of the kids, and that should prevent the “nag” tone from creeping into your voice. You can even make it a sexy or funny request, such as, “Baby, I have seen you undressed. I know you have big enough muscles to lift up this toaster and clean these crumbs!”

You get what you give. If you give your partner nagging, anxious or angry feedback, he is going to feel that stress and tension toward you as well. But if you give him kind words, physical affection, and even a little romance, you will get it back tenfold. Give positive appreciation and compliments throughout the day and build him up instead of breaking him down. Sometimes a man just needs to hear that he is still the strong, sexy guy you fell in love with, just like you need to hear similar compliments from him. And, if you focus on what is going right in your relationship, rather than what is going wrong, you will both be more likely to feel fulfilled and attracted to one another.

Dr. Berman is a New York Times best-selling author and her television shows, “In The Bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman” and “The Dr. Laura Berman Show,” are featured on OWN, the Oprah Winfrey Network. She also is a regular guest on “The Dr. Oz Show.”

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