They're redoing the kitchen, then the battle begins

ASK ELLIE | Husband wants his own way, although wife spends more time in room

DEAR ELLIE: My husband and I are renovating our kitchen. I'd like an open concept for more space, but he can't picture it finished and feels it'll take too much room from the family space in the living room.

I feel he's being selfish and doesn't want to give in. I've lived with a disgusting kitchen for 15 years and finally want my way, as I'm the one in there most. We've hired an interior decorator and are only in the planning stages, but have had many arguments so far and I fear for and life with him during these renovations.

Chief Cook

DEAR CHIEF COOK: Reno Reality sometimes turns more than the house upside down, and reveals deeper problems in the marriage structure. You and Hubby have an ongoing power struggle over who gets their way.

You call him "selfish," yet you don't perceive your own preference this way, even though your plan might diminish the family's living room space.

Call on the experts rather than duke it out. Your decorator should know how to provide a virtual re-design, which you can see. Or get help from an interior designer to use large pieces of paper placed on the floor to demonstrate the new spaces.

Compromise: Perhaps a kitchen "island" within the existing space can give you the extra counter you want. Or the "open" living room can have a bar and stools on the kitchen side, which increase the room's usage and appearance.

DEAR ELLIE: My sister-in-law got mad at me when I told her that I'm doing my best to make sure her brother, my husband, doesn't work too hard at his job. I was trying to reassure her. She's a petty woman, and for six years since that conversation she's acted like I don't exist.

She tries to change her voice so I won't recognize her calling to speak to my hubby and she sends Christmas cards to him "and family."

When she visited here, she stayed with my son and his family. My husband took her out for dinner and told her to treat me nicely and acknowledge me. This just made her angrier. So when we were alone she kept on doing her little digs.

We have to go to her city soon for a family wedding. I'm tired of having to deal with her childish ways. What can I do when I'm around her? She even got really angry at me because all the other relatives enjoyed their time with me.

Should I just ignore her except when it's unavoidable?

Stumped

DEAR STUMPED: Take the high road. More than childish and petty, this woman is jealous of you. She may feel you took her brother away since you live in another city or she may've been the leading female in the family until you came on. It's unlikely she's going to change, especially since your husband has done the right thing by speaking up for you and she still managed to offend you privately.

But you can change by caring less. You're ahead of the game by having hubby's support and the appreciation of the rest of the relatives. When you see her, be polite. Try to come up with a compliment or two. Then walk away.

Involve yourself with others, but don't gossip about her or point out to others (other than your spouse) if she carries on badly. They can see for themselves, and she's losing their respect ... something you don't want to do.

Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.