Sex with married stranger leaves her mortified

ASK ELLIE | Doesn't his wife deserve to know he's being careless about protection?

DEAR ELLIE: Last year I met a man on a dating Web site; we developed an intense and satisfying relationship, but I soon suspected that he was hiding something.

After some digging, I discovered that he was married; his wife's family co-owned his business; he's having an affair with one of his employees and dating another woman on the side (talk about busy).

Even though I ended the relationship, I'm still mortified, not only because of his deceit, but also because we had unprotected sex. I feel a lot of compassion for his wife. I'd like to tell her what's going on behind her back, but I don't know if I should.

Wavering

DEAR WAVERING: You'd do a greater service to go on a talk show circuit -- without naming the jerk -- to alert hordes of women about the perils of not knowing enough about a man before plunging into intimacy. Not to mention the sheer recklessness of having unprotected sex! As for spilling all to this one woman, his wife, forget it. She may know already that he's a dog, or she may not. But your story from a stranger won't necessarily be believed, and, Mr. Deceitful may convince her you're the one who's lying.

Instead of seeking this route to revenge, seek a better way of looking after yourself. A dating site only provides an introduction. The rest is up to you. After all, it only took "some digging" to find a whole lot of dirt on this guy.

DEAR ELLIE: I'm divorcing my husband of five years because he cheated on me.

It took him six months to realize his mistake. Now he keeps calling me to see if I'm OK, but I think that's his excuse to keep in touch. He seems really distraught -- his job is stressful, his bills are piling up, everything's snowballing for him.

At first I thought we'd be friends, but what he did was so hurtful. I tried to give him advice, but I'm not sure it's my responsibility. I've helped with his job search, and told him to seek therapy. I've said I've forgiven him as much as I can and that it'd be best to keep our communication to a minimum so we both can move forward.

Since October, it's only him contacting me. I'm not sure if I should stop answering all his calls or e-mails -- it seems so harsh. He seems like he can't handle his life. I'm trying not to let what happened affect the rest of my life in a negative way. He was my first for everything. Now at 31, I have to figure out how to date.

Road to Divorce

DEAR ROAD TO DIVORCE: You have some decent compassion for the guy, but giving him advice is not your job and may keep him hanging on to you. Your directions that he get therapy and contact you far less are right on. Time to stop responding to his calls, etc.

For you to move on and start dating with a positive outlook, you should consider also getting some counseling. You need to feel that you not only forgive him, but understand why the marriage didn't work.

Cheating is usually a symptom, not the whole problem. It appears that this guy can't handle stress and that he caves when things go wrong. Perhaps you were the stronger partner, or he looks for more female attention when he's doing poorly in other areas.

Whatever happened, it'll help to talk it out with a professional.

Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.