She's unhappy in relationship, but stays for the kids
ASK ELLIE | Stability for sake of children leads to visions of a long and loveless life
DEAR ELLIE: Is it worse to separate from a partner you don't love and upset your children, or better to stay together and be unhappy the rest of your life?
Undecided
DEAR UNDECIDED: Divorce decisions are rarely black and white: Sometimes the children adjust and the parents go on to happier relationships; sometimes, the upheaval for everyone is harder than the family life that preceded it.
You must look at your own options more specifically and practically, and not try to make such general assumptions. A marriage is always worth giving your best shot before splitting, so perhaps things would improve if you worked on making yourself happier within it, whether through individual counseling, getting out more with friends, taking courses, changing jobs, etc.
If nothing of the kind helps, then the next step involves talking to your partner about making potential changes together or pursuing marital therapy. But if splitting up is the final answer, then all of you including the children should get some counseling help to adapt to the new situation.
Professional help isn't a "trendy" approach; it's a wise way to go through an emotional change with guidance and support. It will help you look at the question you asked, and recognize that only you can find the right answer that fits your own case.
DEAR ELLIE: As a single parent, my son and I were very close until he moved in with his girlfriend.
After they married when he was 34, I rarely see him and he doesn't often call. I never heard from my daughter-in-law after the wedding.
They now have a son, almost a year old. They never visit our home with the baby. Yet they visit my daughter-in-law's family regularly. They don't call, e-mail or write. My birthday was ignored.
They may be upset that I don't often go there to see the baby. I get up at 4:30 a.m. daily for work, and it's an hour's bus ride there afterward. It's also expected that I buy them dinner, which makes it an expensive visit. Cooking isn't my daughter-in-law's forte. My grandson's first birthday is coming up, and my second husband and I aren't invited to his party.
How could my son turn away his own mother for this person he's only known a few years?
Lonely Grandmother
DEAR LONELY GRANDMOTHER: I hear too many excuses and not enough solutions, with pride on both sides getting in the way.
As a grandmother, you're the one losing out on more, so I urge you to make the stronger effort. It's worth being tired, and worth the price of a dinner, to try to re-connect. It's also worth writing a note of apology for not having visited the child much, and saying you sincerely want to change that.
Set a date to go and bring your grandson his birthday gift. This isn't about making it to the party, it's about making sure you have a part in the child's life.
Perhaps your daughter-in-law sensed that you expected that your son would stay closer to you than her. That's not how a husband should behave, and he and his wife recognize that their marriage comes first. I empathize with your loneliness, but you have the power to turn that around instead of just complaining that you've been badly treated.
Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.
