Daughter can't break clean from her baby's father
ASK ELLIE | Parents fear that she and granddaughter are caught in abusive situation
DEAR ELLIE: My daughter, 21, and her daughter, 2, lived for six months with the child's father; he's verbally abusive and puts her down or blames her for whatever's wrong in his life. He doesn't work, and they're living off assistance.
My daughter was scared to go to work, as he sleeps all day and may not look after his child. Recently she called us during a fight to help her leave him. She later confided that she'd learned he was back on drugs. She and our granddaughter have been staying with us for several weeks; she periodically takes the girl to see him and stays overnight.
I can tell that she'd like to go back with him. We tell her it only matters that she makes her decisions based on what she knows is best for her and her daughter.
If she does return to him, what should we do to protect our granddaughter without causing our daughter to become more upset and potentially harming our relationship with her and the child? Does the law require us to do or reveal anything?
Worried Parents
DEAR WORRIED PARENTS: If you witness or know of any incidents of child abuse or neglect, you have a legal responsibility to report it to child protection authorities. This is too serious a danger for the child to worry about upsetting your daughter.
But if no such incident occurs and your daughter chooses to return to this man, you can best "help" the situation by staying close to her and her daughter so that she knows she has refuge with you if she needs it.
Instead of focusing on your worries, try to get her to do the thinking about how things have been and what she can expect from a life with this man. Ask questions without casting blame ... let her reflect on her answers, even if only in her own mind. Don't pressure her; let her own sense of responsibility take hold.
DEAR ELLIE: I'm near retirement and have been in a serious relationship for four years with a divorced man I love. I own an expensive home for which I worked hard. He has fewer assets. We're talking about moving in together and combining our pensions.
He'll contribute equally to home maintenance (e.g. utilities and food) and he'd make improvements (new bath, painting, yard work). He feels entitled to some part of my home because of this.
Am I fair, leaving him my pension and work insurance should I pass first (he'd do likewise for me), plus a share of any equity increases on my home after he's moved there? My will leaves my home to my children.
Uncertain
DEAR UNCERTAIN: You need a cohabitation agreement, so ask these questions of a lawyer and then try to come to agreeable decisions with this man. Many couples who meet at your life stage face these concerns. If your children are well-established in their own homes, you may feel generous about sharing assets.
Still, you must protect yourself and your major holding -- the house -- should the union break up. Otherwise you could end up owing him half your house and having to buy him out or sell.
If you do not give him a share of your house, improvements to the home should be paid by you. Don't be pushed to come up with more than you comfortably can live with; take time to make your decisions before you move in together.
Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.
