Dad saves all his love for four kids he had with ex
ASK ELLIE | He feels guilty over breakup and gives new daughter little attention
DEAR ELLIE: I'm in a 17-month relationship with someone who has four kids from two previous relationships. We have a beautiful 6-month-old daughter, yet he treats our baby differently from his other kids. He doesn't give her any attention, though he has no problem giving attention to the other kids.
I was happy I got pregnant because he's a good dad to his other kids. I asked him why not with ours; he said he feels sorry that his boys don't live with both parents.
All I heard was, "I feel sorry for them that me and their mom aren't together." Even if the other kids aren't around, he still doesn't hold her or play with our daughter. He barely talks to her, and when he's mad at me, he ignores her.
Depressed Mom
DEAR DEPRESSED MOM: Speak up for your child; don't let frustration and anger muffle your voice. And avoid seeing this as a competition with the other children or as a jealousy issue about his previous relationships. He's with you, and his regrets about not seeing more of his other kids are natural.
But it is not natural to ignore his own innocent baby who's living with him. Tell him you won't accept this any longer and it's emotionally harmful to his daughter to live in an atmosphere of rejection.
If he continues this way, you'd have to leave him ... and then, he'll be responsible for yet another child growing up without a dad's presence. After all, your relationship is at risk due to this divide.
See your doctor about how you're feeling; you and the baby need your strength and self-confidence.
DEAR ELLIE: My husband is old-school macho and scoffs if I say I need help with the laundry, house-cleaning, kids, etc., since I also work part time. He says his mother managed to do it all.
Frustrated
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Have the Talk with him about what partnership means: Either he helps out or he agrees to your hiring other help. If he still resists, tell him to take his laundry to Mom because you're cutting back on service.
DEAR ELLIE: We rarely see my son and his girlfriend, never got invited to their place, even though my husband and I don't live far and are never too busy for our two sons.
Now they're planning to buy a house and I'd mentioned I'd be happy to help them financially. How do I do this without feeling resentful? My son's changed toward us since they've been together. All we want is for our son to be happy and to remember us and his brother.
Unappreciated
DEAR UNAPPRECIATED: Down payments don't buy appreciation. Talk to your son on his own. Say that though you've offered financial help, you've been put off being involved in his life by his seeming disinterest in your family. (He may feel that more distance was needed, once he had a partner, so be prepared to discuss that.) Say you're seeking a mutual support network between relatives, not just a one-way relationship.
Also, talk to a lawyer and consider several ways of handling the down payment ... whether as a straight-up gift, an interest-free "loan" with no payment schedule or other method.
What you do financially for one child will be expected by another; otherwise feelings of unequal treatment can cause family rifts.
Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.
