Rejection fears keep him from meeting women

ASK ELLIE | It's time to 'man up' and make move, but he can't get past nervousness

DEAR ELLIE: I'm a male, 27, with a huge fear of rejection when it comes to approaching women. I never had a high school girlfriend or prom date.

I know women are just human just like me, but whenever I see a nice-looking woman, I get nervous. I think about the worst possibility, like she might be married, have a boyfriend or give me nasty attitude.

I'm going to be 30 in a few years, and I'll never get the woman I really want if I don't get over this problem. The few women I have been with have shown they were interested in me first, and I took it from there. But I never went out and got a woman on my own. I know I need to man up, but need help.

Fear of Rejection

DEAR FEAR OF REJECTION: Here's the secret on rejection: Everyone hopes to avoid it. Yet every day people take risks with being friendly -- smiling, chatting casually, etc. -- because the rewards of getting to know someone outweigh the possibility of that someone turning away.

Another "rejection fact": Someone saying "I'm involved" is not a veto against you, it's just a statement to explain why they can't date you. Most women would be flattered at your showing interest.

The good news is that you've already had some women respond positively to you, so it can happen again. Instead of your seeing an approach to a woman as a test of your manliness, consider it no different than initially talking casually to a guy who might become a friend. This first step with women looms too large in your mind. Just say hello and don't have high expectations of instant rejection vs. instant romance. Approach casually.

But if your fears still persist, see a therapist to learn why and what strategies can overcome them.

DEAR ELLIE: I'm a woman who attracts other women to become too attached to me. One friend has started to take on my habits: speech, style of dress, hairstyle, political views, etc. She's even started frequenting the same spa.

Recently she accused me of being more "secretive than usual" after I'd referred to someone unknown to her as "a friend of mine." I was merely being discreet. She wants to know all of my friends and attend all events with me. This is a non-sexual relationship.

She's a nice person whom I admire and respect, and is fun to be with. I otherwise enjoy her company, but this is not the first time I've had this experience with female relationships. Why do some women act this way toward me?

Copied Girl

DEAR COPIED GIRL: Imitation is said to be the highest form of flattery, but when it involves clinging and neediness, it can get spooky.

You clearly possess a strong personality and distinct style. You don't have to soften that image, but you do have to recognize that it invites copying by those who think it'll impress you or make them stand out, too.

Nip it in the bud as early as possible. Compliment friends on their own best features; let others sometimes choose where you'll go together, without your making critical commentary or pushing your own preference.

Comfortable friendship has to be give and take. When a friend imitates you several times, point out that you like her for herself, and that the "mirror image" is neither cute nor comfy for you.

Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.