Long relationship could disappear along with items
ASK ELLIE | When belongings go missing, homeowner goes looking for a diagnosis
DEAR ELLIE: I've been in an intermittent relationship with a woman for 25 years. This past year, it's been steady and intimate, involving many trips and frequent overnight stays at my home.
Last summer we had a disagreement over a personal issue but I thought we'd resolved it. Yet, since then, five items have gone missing from my home (including an expensive pair of shoes). The common element involving the missing items was her presence in my home. I'd indicated that the items had special significance to me.
I'm convinced she took them, as she implicated herself when I mentioned them to her and no one else had visited my home. I researched kleptomania and mental disorders and found that her behaviors are indicative of a mental disorder.
1) Is there such an illness as "vindictive kleptomania" (I'm not sure she's gotten over the past issue)?
2) Do I discuss the missing items with her adult children?
3) Do I discuss the issue with her (I'd like to have my shoes back)?
Wondering
DEAR WONDERING: Some people would say that a 25-year "intermittent relationship" could warrant doing research on "commitment phobia." But it wouldn't mean that a layman without professional expertise could diagnose mental illness in either you or this woman. Nor should you go down that risky and insulting path.
You've not had anything disappear before this, so don't mention your kleptomania label to her or her adult children. Instead, ask her directly if she took your things ... whether for sentimental reasons or because she's angry with you.
If she denies it and you still doubt her, this drawn-out relationship is probably over unless you forgive and forget. It may be worth buying a new pair of shoes to either clear the air between you or recognize that you both need a fresh start with new partners.
DEAR ELLIE: My new mother-in-law loves cooking and sharing, as do I. But my senses of smell and taste are strong, and my mother-in-law's food often bears the musty stale smell of her home and fridge.
Cleanliness is not an issue. I'm positive that she feels insulted when I don't snack when we visit or finish the food on my plate at family meal. The latter only happens when I feel nauseous if I taste the "house" in it -- about 50 percent of the time.
She's made comments about my wasteful eating habits. My husband understands this issue because I'm a sensitive person in general, with sensitive skin, environmental allergies, etc. How can I handle this respectfully, without sounding like I'm making excuses?
Smelly Taste
DEAR SMELLY TASTE: Spoken excuses are better than unspoken resistance, and sensitivities are better than insults. Have your husband help you out on this: He can "confide" to his mom about your environmental and allergic reactions and how hard it is for you to eat some foods, and also unpredictable what foods will suddenly upset you. Do not mention the mustiness of the house or fridge.
Then, when visiting, call ahead to bring something (and eat it); at other times alert your mother-in-law to a bout of feeling ill.
You could show your regard for her cooking expertise by asking her to help you cook up her recipes. That way she'll get your respect without you getting nauseous.
Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.
