Fiance's MIA on Valentine's Day; she's still angry
ASK ELLIE | She puts great importance on his slipups and sees them as bad sign
DEAR ELLIE: I'm an engaged man and lost my job a week before Valentine's Day so was unable to plan anything. We couldn't even meet on the day because of our schedules. This isn't the first time something like this has happened on a special occasion. My fiancee gets really upset and questions the whole foundation of our relationship. She says I've ruined these special days for her, and she could never enjoy them again. We're great together, except for these issues.
She also complains about how things aren't the way they were in the beginning, which is obvious because we have a lot more responsibilities now. We're not in school anymore and we own a house.
I feel that she gives so much importance to these incidences that the rest of our relationship doesn't matter; everything else we have is garbage. I don't know what to do.
Lost and Confused
DEAR LOST AND CONFUSED: Keep a calendar handy. It doesn't take much effort or money to make a loving gesture on special occasions. However, not doing anything sends the message that you don't get her feelings on this. On Valentine's Day, you could've found a way to get a single rose to her or send an e-card; you rely on excuses (too much responsibility) rather than taking a few minutes to connect, though you know it means so much to her.
Of course, she should not make you feel the rest of your relationship is "garbage." You can change this divide immediately: Call her tonight, and declare that tomorrow is a special day for just you two -- the day you both make your relationship a priority. It means being more sensitive to each other -- her, to your financial pressures; you, to her need for those special moments. Drop into her work with a flavored coffee or a spring flower; if you can't meet, phone to say you love her.
DEAR ELLIE: I'm 24, lived alone, then moved back home to save for returning to school, but my dad has since left my mom. She took it pretty hard. We've both gone into counseling, but she's stopped.
My therapist has strongly encouraged me to move out for my own mental health, but it'd be a huge blow to my traditional family. My mom constantly rummages through my belongings, discarding and misplacing things, including my medication. She instigates fights so that I resort to yelling and screaming, which I don't do with anyone else. She disrespects my private time.
I work 60 hours a week and during any spare time, she tries to capitalize on it. When I don't do things with her, she calls me selfish.
I've started cleaning up, contributing to household expenses, and followed her curfew of 11 p.m., but I feel nothing will ever satisfy this unhappy woman.
Frustrated
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your therapist's right. You lived on your own before, despite your family's traditions, so you can do so again. You moved home for your own advantage, but your mom -- who has reasons to be unhappy -- also saw advantage in having company.
Since it's feeling intolerable to you, the next step is yours. Your only other choice is to recognize that you do have to pitch in with cleaning and paying expenses.
Also, when relatives live in the same home, it's normal to spend time together. But if her intrusions are too much to bear, leave.
Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.
