Dad's been mad since grandma endangered kids

ASK ELLIE | Feud has grown out of argument, and wife puts blame on him for rift

DEAR ELLIE: I'm 46, father of two toddlers. My wife and her mother argue over my mother-in-law's controlling behavior. I've mostly stayed out of the conflicts.

But we all spent last Thanksgiving at her house. During his nap, my son, 3, found and swallowed five cold medicine lozenges. The Poison Control call line said he didn't need to go to the hospital but that he'd likely get sick after eating (he did).

Later the kids went back upstairs. I asked my MIL if she'd removed the medicine and she replied, no. I asked why not and she said the kids should know not to get into people's things, and that we're not raising the kids to be respectful of grownups' belongings. I strongly disagreed and again asked if she'd remove all medicines and she refused. I said things to her that I now regret.

My wife took offense to my reaction to her mother. I wrote an apology letter, which my MIL accepted, but she refuses to take responsibility for what she said.

I've since not allowed my kids to be left alone at her house until I get assurance that she knows toddlers do not know better, and that she would do everything possible to keep the kids safe. This issue has come between my wife and me. What should happen to resolve this?

Deadlocked

DEAR DEADLOCKED: Save the kids, then save face. Toddlers can't be left at their grandmother's house alone unless you feel comfortable with the safety level or you know that your MIL is on top of things. She's already proved she isn't, so at least one parent has to be there and keep regular watch.

For the sake of family harmony, help your wife's mother and help your wife save face on this matter so they don't appear to be less caring of the children.

Forget trying to get an apology. Tell both women that you want to move forward and have the children enjoy their grandmother's home; then privately ask your wife to arrange some child-proofing there. She can give her mom a gift of a safety lock for the medicine cabinet; you can buy a few safety locks for other cupboards, etc.

There needn't be further discussion of who knows best; just take care of the kids.

DEAR ELLIE: I'm 57, divorced and have fallen in love with one of the ministers (also divorced) at my church. We've served on committees together and had long talks. I know he likes me as a friend.

I've kept my feelings hidden for fear of wrecking the friendship, embarrassing him professionally or embarrassing myself. But recently, I've started to come apart, even crying on the bus, and I broke down twice during a church service.

Should I tell him how I feel? Or should I confide in the other minister there?

Losing It

DEAR LOSING IT: Talk to someone, but not at your church. See your family doctor, who can be helpful as a counselor and will likely offer treatment or advice to help you fight a potential depression being caused by your pent-up feelings and anxieties about them.

This may be a natural crush because your minister has shown friendly interest; if he feels more than that, he may not be allowed by church policies to initiate a relationship. You could ask him that question in one of your talks, if you can handle it. You'll know more from his response.

Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.