She can't keep up with spouse, and marriage suffers
ASK ELLIE | He walks ahead, controls conversations and won't admit there's trouble
DEAR ELLIE: My husband will consistently walk a few paces ahead of me, always blaming me for walking too slow, yet he'll adjust his pace for others. I'd laugh, but it's not funny anymore.
He spent our vacation of a lifetime with everyone else. I enjoyed the trip more as a single than as a couple.
When visiting a female friend, conversation became a contest for him to be the sole conversationalist. This has happened on a couple of occasions, something he's admitted to.
I'm not confrontational, he is. I feel our relationship is in need of repair, something he won't admit. Counseling isn't an option.
Not Laughing
DEAR NOT LAUGHING: You've put up with this behavior long enough for it to become entrenched, so Mr. Ego has little reason to change. Counseling is an option -- for you. Otherwise there's not going to be any "repair" to the relationship if he doesn't see a need and you don't know have the tools.
I can confirm your view: Yes, you do have a problem living with this self-centered extrovert. I suspect that when you first met, you were originally drawn to his outgoing personality and preferred to stay in the background. Now you want more balance in the relationship. Tell all this to a counselor and learn how to speak up for yourself without shooting hubby down or creating a wider breach between you.
With a little bit of shaking things up, you should be able to start walking apace in the marriage. If not, you may have to tell him that joint counseling is urgently needed to keep you together.
DEAR ELLIE: My daughter-in-law is phony with me. When I tell her how to do things, she smiles and says, "That's a good idea," but then does what she wants.
Fed Up Father-in-Law
DEAR FED UP FATHER-IN-LAW: She's being tactful, so try her example: Instead of "telling her what to do," discuss together some different approaches. That way, you'll both learn from each other.
DEAR ELLIE: Our relationship three years ago got hot, and he got cold. Now he's been dating a girl but we still speak and I still have feelings for him. We even hooked up a few times when he was drunk, while they were together.
I could tell her the truth and end their relationship. I don't know what to do; he says we can still be "friends" but can't be together. I still love him, and he was my first.
Do we still have a chance, or am I losing sleep over my first and only?
Sleepless
DEAR SLEEPLESS: Even without a crystal ball, I can assure you he's not your "only." And if he tries to keep you as a friend with benefits, your first will likely end up being your "worst" in memory.
I urge you to recognize that the "benefits" are only for him, since he just uses you as a sexual substitute when he's too drunk for his girlfriend's taste. Your relationship may've suited you, but clearly the timing was wrong for him.
Now that time is past, and it seems you're the lucky one to be free to meet someone else. This guy's a player with loose loyalties to his partner-of-the-moment.
Do not call his girlfriend or accept his booty call. Think better of yourself, and start meeting new guys, with the attitude that whomever likes you has to show it, mean it and plan to stick around.
Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.
