Husband blames her for cheating, wants more sex
ASK ELLIE | With three kids in house, it's hard to find a way to be spontaneous
DEAR ELLIE: I'm a busy mom of three, with a husband who works long hours at his computer job, both in the home office and outside as well. I recently discovered that he's been using his computer to hook up with other women for sex. He also visits porn sites. He blames me for this because "we don't have sex often enough."
With three kids in the house, it's been hard to be spontaneous about it, but we usually have sex about once a week or so. I've told him we have to plan for it, but he wasn't happy about the lack of spontaneity. Am I to blame for his behavior?
Blame Game
DEAR BLAME GAME: Your marriage is deteriorating into a mess, so forget about finding who bears the fault. Instead, the conversation you two need to have is about why he feels entitled to get sexual satisfaction elsewhere, how bringing up kids has interfered with your sex life and why you two haven't talked this out and worked out an agreeable way of connecting emotionally.
I do understand that child-rearing is hectic and fatiguing ... but where is his part in it, when he's at home? Why is it up to you to tell him to "schedule" sex?
You both participated in having three children, so you both need to get together on how to live with them and find time for intimacy.
A happy, loving couple can make the best of even a short time, because they want to, and know how important it is to keep the bond between them. If that's not possible in your house, get to some marital therapy together.
If he won't go, start some counseling for yourself ... because this marriage, as it's currently conducted, won't last.
DEAR ELLIE: My boyfriend of five years was, at first, open with me about his life outside of money stuff. Then he clammed up more, not sharing some e-mails with me.
I love him, but I can't get over some things he's done. Two years ago I discovered he'd been e-mailing a couple of women and having lovey-dovey conversations; one e-mail was all about sex. He said it was just a joke and meant nothing to him, and "they found him."
I think he's at it again. I want to trust him, but he now has this woman with whom he says he only talks about contests. But I find this hard to believe. If it's only about contests, then why not communicate on the contest e-mail he uses, not his personal one?
Wanting to Trust
DEAR WANTING TO TRUST: Your guy has been throwing away his chances to be trusted. He's secretive, careless about your feelings (two years of e-mailing other women!), and offers childish excuses, as in it's the women's fault, not his. But he gets away with all this because you let him.
After five years you have enough evidence that he's untrustworthy, yet you hang on. If you honestly think you're getting enough out of this relationship to put up with his fooling around this way, then stay with him but expect more of the same.
However, if you want to know the depth of his feelings for you, tell him his online "friendships" are unacceptable and if they don't stop, or you at least get to meet the women who are "only contest pals," then you'll have to leave.
You'll know better whether you can trust him again if he comes after you and promises to change.
Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.
