Introducing work friend to woman was big mistake
ASK ELLIE | They soon started phoning and messaging, then lied about cooling it
DEAR ELLIE: I'm 23 and have been with my girl for five years. We have three wonderful children but our relationship has been in a downward spiral for two months, since I introduced her to my male co-worker.
He's come over to our house to socially drink a couple of times; they exchanged cell phone numbers and began to text message each other.
I got upset at them both and my girlfriend said she'd stop talking to him. But I found out they were still talking. It turned into a standoff argument between us. Should I continue to let them talk or should I say we cannot be together anymore?
At the Crossroads
DEAR AT THE CROSSROADS: This is about your feelings and your girlfriend's willingness to ignore them. Your co-worker is taking advantage of the situation, but he's only a symbol of the problem, since your partner can go on to develop friendships with other men.
However, some information is missing -- whether your girlfriend was just reaching out for friendship outside of the home. If she's your age, she's been occupied with small children since she's 18.
Before you make any dramatic decisions, talk to her about her needs. Explain that you both must express your feelings if you're to stay together long-term ... e.g. you need reassurance that she's not seeking attention from other men; and she may be signaling that she needs to get out more, have time with friends and more attention from you.
Have the Talk, and see a marriage counselor, before you think any further about separating.
DEAR ELLIE: While I've been casually dating a man for four months, I've confided in a close girlfriend about my budding romance. For several weeks, she'd been avoiding me. Then I learned that my "confidante" had flirted with and kissed my new love interest at a party when I wasn't there. She said she was too drunk to remember what happened but was almost certain she'd crossed the line with him.
Both say nothing happened. I believe them. But I'm shocked that my friend doesn't value our friendship like I do. She thinks I should forgive her since nothing physical happened.
Instead of coming to me directly, she escalated the drama by talking about it to others and then avoided me. Now I feel her apology is insincere. She continues to deflect the issue by claiming she knew all along that he was no good for me and that his flirting proves her point. I think she cannot be trusted.
Am I being too drastic by telling her I no longer want to be friends?
Seeing Red
DEAR SEEING RED: Three lessons here: 1) don't confide everything personal about a romance; 2) don't accept the "drunk amnesia" excuse; 3) it takes two sets of lips for a kiss.
Here's my take: Though girlfriends like to confide, it's best not to go overboard on a new romance. Too much information can make for too much curiosity. Also, this friend knew what she was doing but didn't stop herself; that's not the same as not remembering.
Finally, your guy needs to know you were hurt by his actions, even if "nothing happened." It may be early dating still, but he should apologize for crossing the line with your friend. As for your girlfriend, she's mostly embarrassed.
Cool it for a while but don't be "drastic," yet.
Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.
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