Boyfriend who never returned leaves her hurt
ASK ELLIE | She can't forget him despite shabby parting and needs to ask him why
DEAR ELLIE: A year ago, my boyfriend e-mailed me that he was going home for his mother's funeral (we live in different countries). I haven't heard from him since.
I e-mailed him regularly for four months and never heard back. Not even a phone call to tell me he's OK. He also wouldn't answer his phone. I finally wrote him my goodbye letter, feeling he doesn't need me at all.
I would've loved to be there for him during his difficult moments. But I can't get over him. I have so many questions, and he just disappeared like a bubble. What should I do?
Abandoned
DEAR ABANDONED: Blow this bubble out of mind; your feelings are more about past hurt than present loss. You were a long-distance couple who didn't have much time in each other's company, if any. Phone calls and e-mails may have worked as conversation, but once he was involved in a deeply emotional experience, that level of communication wasn't enough . . . and the same would've held true had it been you needing comfort and support in person.
Yes, he ended it shabbily by not responding, and that was hurtful. Now focus on meeting people who can be a real presence in your life, and you'll discover how satisfying it is to build a relationship with someone close by.
DEAR ELLIE: We're renting my mother's house, which she owns as an investment. She kept a key and walks in unannounced and interferes with all our decisions. I tried setting some boundaries but she just laughed at me.
Fed Up
DEAR FED UP: Move. You thought you were getting a bargain. You're not. She won't change, so you have to change your address and her access to it.
DEAR ELLIE: I'm 37, and my husband is the only person I can trust, along with my son, who's 4. I cannot trust anyone not to steal from me. Even as a kid it was really hard to have friends.
We moved into our own house to escape my mother-in-law. We'd lived in the basement apartment, and whenever I bought something it would disappear, but landed upstairs in my mother-in-law's place. She'd invite us to dinner with the food stolen from our freezer.
I begged my husband to believe what his mother was doing; he does now, but not before we moved out. Should I just let it go, and try to let her in the house without both of us here? I don't even want her at the wedding. . . . She might steal some of the caterers' place settings.
I hate thieves. Am I in the wrong?
Distrust
DEAR DISTRUST: Living with distrust cannot be easy, especially since you've carried this feeling since childhood. Your mother-in-law may have been dishonest, as you suspected, or there's more going on . . . and I believe professional counseling will help you find out.
It's sad to shut a grandmother out of your son's life, so I believe it's worthwhile to get help to probe why you're suspicious of so many people. Otherwise, things can get even more complicated if you find yourself suspecting your son's friends or your neighbors.
Meanwhile, invite your mother-in-law over when you're all at home. It's unfair and unwise to use her as a baby-sitter if you're going to assume she'll steal from you.
Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.
