Ignoring a child’s tantrum won’t work for everyone

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Updated: December 19, 2011 12:08PM

Constructively ignore my kids to get them on the path to good behavior?

Well, that’s a big part of a new parenting technique gaining a lot of traction, at least according to a recent Wall Street Journal piece, “Tantrum Tamer: New Ways Parents Can Stop Bad Behavior” by Shirley S. Wang. As Wang describes it, the new approach, “parent-management training,” is proving effective.

Developed by researchers at Yale University and King’s College London, backers point out that, for starters, often parents encourage bad behavior by responding to their child’s tantrums, but not to their child when he is behaving well.

OK, a good parenting tip as far as it goes.

But this particular column is not about whether this new approach in total “works,” or if in the long run ignoring bad behavior gets at the heart of the issue at all. The question for me: Where in the world are these researchers finding parents who can do this over time?

Consider these instructions to parents found in the sidebar of the piece under the heading, “Before, During and After the Storm”:

† “In case of a temper tantrum, remain calm. Describe the behavior. ‘You are pretending you don’t hear me when I say it’s time to go.’ ”

Me? I would have to be heavily sedated to have that response to a screaming child.

† “Point out other children exhibiting a desired behavior. ‘See how nicely that boy is sharing.’ Don’t add, ‘Why can’t you?’ ”

My voice would be so dripping with sarcasm in this instance I might as well just say what I’m really thinking to my kids in the first place: “What is the problem? Could you JUST ONCE behave like a human being here — like that kid over there is doing?”

† “Praise reasonable reactions, muted tantrums or any efforts at self-control.”

Praising a “muted tantrum”? For that I’d have to have a lot of medication left over from the time I had the bizarre alien-mother response to the temper tantrum.

† “As much as possible, ignore negative behaviors.”

Ah, this one I can do. Sort of. There are times when I ignore my children when they are, for instance, fighting with each other. But I admit it’s rarely because I’m consciously trying to constructively parent. Either it’s because I think they should work it out on their own and I’ve got better things to do than manage their problems anyway, or it’s because I’m enjoying a good glass of cabernet and don’t want to be disturbed. But at least according to these folks, here I may be doing something right.

† “Don’t communicate desperation or beg.”

Some of my very finest moments as a parent — or at least my most humbling — are when I am reduced to desperation and begging. Better yet, when I desperately beg. Why take that away from me?

† “Model the behavior you want your child to exhibit.”

If this worked, my children would regularly clean the kitchen and do the laundry for me without being asked. Enough said.

† “Don’t give up. Some behaviors can take months for a child to master.”

“Months.” Are you kidding me? I’m hoping to see small changes by the time some of my kids are 30.

Look, it’s fine that there is some new parenting strategy that may be working for some folks. I’m just saying it seems like it would take incredible time and effort to constructively ignore your kids. For those of us with a bunch of children who might benefit from being constructively ignored, one really has to do a cost/benefit/sanity analysis.

I’ve done that analysis. This new approach is not in my emotional makeup. I can’t imagine it’s in the emotional makeup of many parents.

“The devil is in the doing of it,” Stephen Scott, director of the National Academy for Parenting Research at King’s College London, told Wang.

No kidding. I admit it: This is a parenting trend I’m going to constructively ignore.

Scripps Howard News Service